Simply Existing
by tillypenn
Summary: Set about 6 years after Edward leaves Bella in new moon, all in BPOV
1. Chapter 1

Beep Beep Beep Beep

I turn over and switch off the alarm, not that I needed it, I have been awake for hours. I'm not usually this bad, I mean sleep has always been a difficult skill for me to master, but today … last night, well lets just say it was bad.

I dreamt of him, I mean I always do, but this was .. Well it was reminiscent of when he first left, though not as torturous. I remember he said that the human mind was like a sieve, but I don't think so, the pain may have dulled a little but I never forgot.

I look across at my clock, to see how much time I have before work, my shift starts at 7, the clock reads 5.57. I climb out of bed and get in the shower. I try not to think, I don't want to think especially not today. . When I finish up and go through to the kitchen I see my mobile flashing, telling me I have a text. I open it up and it is from Jake, filled with the usual birthday platitudes. He knows I don't like acknowledging my birthday but yet every year he tries, damn wolf. I love him to pieces really, but that wasn't enough for him, the way that I love him is not how he felt for me. I loved him like a brother, but his feeling for me were decidedly not brotherly. He kept thinking that I would come around, he couldn't understand that I would never be able to feel those type of feelings again, no matter how many times and how many ways I tried to explain. It was kind of the main reason why I moved here to Seattle really, I had to give him a chance to move on with his life. I couldn't go to far though, so Seattle seemed like an ideal place.

I open up my fridge, knowing that I should eat something. The last time I was at the hospital (non related arm breaking accident) the doctor sat me down and basically explained what would happen if I couldn't get my body mass index up so I am trying. However this morning I know I won't be able to stomach anything so I shut the fridge, grab my jacket and keys and leave the apartment.

It doesn't take me long to get to work, I walk as it is only a few blocks away. I work as a waitress in quite a large, popular restaurant called eclipse. At first it was weird a self proclaimed klutz carrying plates of hot food and such, but really it's not that bad, only a very limited amount of accidents happen, I mean when they happen, they happen (see broken arm comment above), but they are rare now.

I get into work about 5 minutes early and as I am taking my coat off my boss Jennifer walks over to me.

"Izzy, I am going to need you to take sections 3 and 4 today'

I smile and nod my understanding, pick up my pad and walk over to my sections. There are 8 sections in total, and on an evening we get one each, depending on how busy it is there may be 2 waitresses to 1 section. But on a morning, the breakfasts aren't usually that bad, so we normally get 2, or sometimes 3 sections each.

I think Charlie, my dad, I think he is surprised by my job choice, I think he always expected me to go to college and become a journalist or a writer or something, but that is just not who I am anymore. I am not the girl who wants the brilliant career and the brilliant life, I don't want to want my life to mean anything because the only thing that want will lead to is the realisation the life that I wanted has gone, has been ever since I turned 18. So I don't live anymore, I simply exist, I go on so I can be a daughter to two people who deserve so much more than me, best friends to a guy who should want so much more than me and waitress to hundreds of people who will see and experience so much more than me.

Happy 24th birthday Isabella I think to myself as I walk up to the first table of the day with a big fake smile planted on my face

"Good morning my name is Izzy and I will be your server today, can I get you any drinks?


	2. Chapter 2

**Forgot to mention this in the first chapter but obviously I don't own anything just borrowing .**

"So what are you doing tonight" Rebecca, one of the other waitresses asks me at the end of my shift.

"Nowt much, same old same old"

"Aww Iz, it's your birthday, you can't just be staying in, you have to celebrate," she has this pitying look on her face, but it is not like I'm not used to that, I had to finish high school after all.

"Jake was supposed to be coming, but he couldn't make it. Anyway I'll be fine, I have a pizza, bottle of wine and an action packed thriller with my name on it" I try to smile, but I must fail because the next thing I know she starts talking about how her boyfriend is the bartender in this cool club across town an how we are going tonight.

"No bex, really I will be fine at home, you know I am not really a party animal"

"I know but I'm bored and wanna go out, come on Izzy your not gonna make me beg are you?" She has that look on her face, you know the one people get when they know they have won, which of course she has.

"No, please don't beg, just tell me the time and place."

"just meet me here at 7, we'll have something to eat before we go, trust me we are gonna need to line our stomachs" she says with a wink as she walks off.

Great. Socialising not really a favourite pastime of mine, though I suppose it will give me something to tell Renee and Charlie. This will please them, they are always looking for signs that a part of me, or the old me, exists. The one that can make friends and have fun. I do feel bad about the way I am now, about the way I worry them, but no matter how bad I feel I can't change it, too much of me is missing now.

Another not so favourite pastime of mine is shopping, which I will have to do because surprise surprise my wardrobe doesn't really have anything in it suitable for a night of partying. Wow even thinking the word makes me shiver. I can't even remember the last time I got drunk, well I can but I choose not to, it was the summer before he left and thinking on those times does me no good. I wonder what type of a drunk I will be, because lets face it if Rebecca says we are going to need to line our stomachs then I am definitely going to be getting drunk, I mean I've already established that I can't say no to her.

An hour later I am in one clothes shop or another, I mean they are all the same to me, looking through the racks for inspiration to hit, some hope huh. A young pretty sales assistant takes pity on me, or comes over to gloat, I really don't have much experience dealing with people anymore, unless they are ordering food that is.

"Do you need any help?"

I open my mouth to make the standard no thanks reply when I think maybe I do. "Yea, I'm going out tonight and I don't have anything to wear," I look around helplessly. "Or any idea where to start."

The girl laughs, definitely gloating wow who knew mean looked so pretty, oh wait I did. "That's okay, that's why I am here." She's smiling. "Where are you going tonight?"

"Umm….clubbing" I am confused, and then there is that laugh again. I mean is it a laugh, is it a giggle? Yep confused.

"Cool, well that I can work with" she says, she seems nice maybe she isn't gloating

Then she starts picking random clothes of the racks and holding them against me, most of them she just shake her head and puts back, but some she keeps a hold of.

"Any preferences? I am sorry but what is your name?"

"Um Izzy?" Why do I make it sound like a question? "My name is Izzy"

"Cool, I'm Amanda"

"Hi" wow when did I become some bad at talking to people.

"So …." she, Amanda, trails off.

"Huh?"

"Any preferences? Any colours a complete no-no? would you prefer trousers or dress? Do you hate halters, anything at all?" She ask, when I look at her properly I see that her smile is really friendly.

" Not blue, I don't want to wear blue"

"Cool, nothing blue. Well lets get to work then."

A full 2 hours later I am completely fitted for tonight. I mean 2 hours trying on clothes, shoes even coordinated jewellery, it was ridiculous. Apparently Amanda takes fashion very seriously. I mean she was a star really, I am not the best at playing dress up, I moan and have been known to tantrum, of course that didn't happen, but the ghost of who I once was started to show through a little, even though it was only a very little.

I now have, what I have been reliably informed is, a killer outfit for tonight. I have been told how to wear my hair, and how to apply my make up. I also have in my procession, some of Amanda's prized make up collection, because apparently when I explained what I had it wasn't good enough. This does mean that I have to go back to the store in a couple of days and drop it back in, when she is next on.

I get home and notice my answer phone is flashing, 2 messages, well I know who they are from.

"Happy birthday baby, how is your day going? Call me back. I love you." My mom

"Happy birthday bells, sorry I missed you, you must be at work. I thought you finished a 11. Well bye" My dad, always so awkward.

I rang them both back, had the usual conversation, and, like I thought, they were both pleased about the club thing tonight, in fact they were so pleased about it, that it made me think that maybe I should come up with stories for them about my social life so they don't have to keep worrying about me.

I arrive at Eclipse at 7 like told to meet Rebecca, she isn't there so I take a seat at the bar to wait. Jennifer comes up to me.

"Happy birthday Izzy" She smiles.

"Thanks boss"

"Rebecca running late?"

"Yea"

"Good to know it's not just work she's late for." She smiles. "Have a drink on the house Iz, Damien get the girl whatever she wants." She tell the barman, pats me on the back and then walks away.

Damien smiles at me. "So what's it going to be mon cherie?" he's not French, he probably doesn't even know what he is saying, I know I don't.

"White wine please?"

10 minutes later Rebecca turns up. "Wow Iz, you look good"

"Thanks, I had help" she looks at me questionably so I elaborate, "Sales girl." and then I get the look of understanding.

Amanda had chosen a pair of shiny black trousers and a red halter neck top, sounds simple enough but I have to admit I had a hard time recognising the girl in the mirror.

"Cool, lets eat"

So we sat down and ate, talked about random things that didn't mean much, not that anything means much at all to me.

Once the food was finished and the wine was drank (free bottle on the house, perks of being the waitress who never says no to a shift) we moved on to the club.

The club, Midnight Sun, was packed. Apparently Becca wasn't making it up about being the height of cool. She led me straight to the bar, looking up and down it, and her whole body seemed to change when she spotted what she was looking for. What she was looking for turned out to be a brown haired, brown eyed boy, who was fairly good looking I suppose. I'm really not a good judge of these things, lets just say my ability to appraise a boys looks has been forever compromised.

"That's Matt, he said he will come over and talk if he gets chance tonight, but I don't think he will," she told me with a smile, one that ripped at the edges of the hole inside me because I knew that I would never smile like that again.

A slight, fake smile was all I could offer up as a reply to that comment, but she carried on without a second glance at me, "how about we get some drinks and go find a seat?"

"Yes to the drinks, but good luck with the seat" I said looking around, it really was busy in here.

"I have my ways" she told me, with what can only be described as a cunning smile, and then turned back to the bar.

Four hours, and an untold amount of alcohol, later, which did, I am fairly certain, contain at least 5 shots, we were still in the seats that Rebecca had managed to secure for us. She had at some point tried to get me up to dance but I refused and when she tried not to take no for an answer I pulled out the birthday card, so she contained herself with just getting us both as monumentally out of our heads as possible.

Someone brought us another round of drinks, and then kissed Becca.

"Matt," she slurred, throwing her arms around his neck.

"Hey baby, " then turning to me, "Izzy, right?" I nodded. He then came over and hugged me, "Happy birthday. You two having fun?"

"Umm.. Yea thanks"

"We are, but Izzy won't dance, you'll dance with me won't you?"

"I would love to sweetheart but I have to get back, lots of thirsty people tonight you know" he threw me a knowing wink, me and Bex could definitely be described as one of those people tonight.

I looked up and I saw them kissing. All of a sudden I felt the dinner I had eaten at Eclipse fighting it's way back up, I stood up and quickly excused my self. Luckily there was a cubicle free, so I ran straight in, making it just in time to throw up.

After I had emptied the entire contents of my stomach and what seemed like hours, but must really have only been a matter of minutes if that, I sat on the cold, dirty floor trying to remind myself why it was pointless to cry. You see I had done that. 1 year 3 months and 6 days after he had left I was cooking dinner for me and Charlie, and the floodgates opened. I just started crying and I didn't stop for what felt like months, well what actually was months. I would wake up on a morning and realise that the perfect dream I just had where he came back and told me he was sorry and had never meant what he told me that day in the forest. That it was all just an act because he wanted me to be safe and away from the danger that he could so easily put me in, was just that, a dream and I would cry. I would try to eat to appease Charlie, and I seemed to be able to keep just enough down to keep me out of the hospital. This went on for 2 and a half months until that little voice in my head managed to convince me that it was pointless, that it wasn't going to bring Edward back to me, because no matter what I did it wouldn't change the way he really felt, the simple truth that I wasn't, aren't and never will be good enough for him. So I stopped crying then, and sitting here now I knew it was useless to start crying now, because I knew it wouldn't get me what I wanted. So I stood up, wiped my self down, went and washed my hands and checked how bad I looked in the mirror, when I looked presentable enough, for some one who had drank what felt like more than her own weight in alcohol and was out in a club a 1am, I went back to the table and found Bex on her own.

"You ok?" she asked, concern lacing her drunken voice.

"Of course" I lied easily, picking up my drink and continued drinking till the bar shut.

I must have been drunk though because at one point out of the corner of my eye I swear that I saw Rosalie, but when I looked again all I could see were a group of giggling girls dancing, one was blond though so that must have been it.


	3. Chapter 3

The bell rings as I open the door and step inside the clothes shop again. I look around and spot Amanda talking to a customer, she looks up at me and smiles, indicating that she won't be long so I stand and wait.

When she's done she walks over to me and I hold out the bag containing her make up. "Just returning this, thanks" I say slightly too formally.

"Cool, how was it ?"

"Make-uppy" I smile

"Ha ha, you know what I meant, how was your night?"

"It was ok thanks, well what I can remember anyway"

"great well I get my lunch break in 10, do you fancy keeping me company?"

"umm, I don't know…" I trail off.

"Oh please Izzy, I just want to hear how the outfit I picked out went down over something suitably greasy!" she pleads with lost puppy eyes, why can't I ever do those or at least say no to them.

"Ok, but I wouldn't have said you like much grease with your food"

"Trust me I definitely need some grease today" she winks.

20 minutes later we are sat in some burger bar, with two of the most unhealthy lunches possible and against all odds I find I am actually liking it. I am a bit of a loner I don't make friends easily, I think I have what you would call trust issues, or maybe a 'what's the point' outlook on life. As in whats the point of making friends with someone so you can have random conversations and do things with them until they realise that you are not shy and reserved. That the girl that they made an effort to get know won't come out of her shell because it is not a shell it is just her, and so they start calling the girl less, and meeting up less until it stops all together. You can say that I have had a little experience in this department.

But this was actually ok.

"Why the need for all the grease?" I ask her gesturing to the food.

"Oh I have a kind of thing" she says blushing slightly

"Um, sorry…..I was just, um you don't have to tell"

"Izzy, don't be silly if I didn't want to tell you I wouldn't, it's just it gives a bad impression of myself to someone who doesn't know me that well! Have you ever heard the phrase 'friends with benefits'?"

"Actually yea I have" understanding her blush.

"Well I don't do relationships, a couple of bad experience will do that to a girl" she smiles knowingly. "So I kind of have a few guys on rotation."

"You have more than one?" I ask, admittedly sounding shocked.

"Trust me it is the best way, just having one is a bit to much commitment for me, plus" she leans over and whispers "they all have different talents."

I laugh at her wink. "Seriously, you have just met me, aren't you worried I might use all this personal information to blackmail you or something?"

"Blackmail me for what, I already gave you my most expensive treasure and you brought it back"

"Ah the make up, that's right, I guess that means you trust me now"

"Well yea, you have passed the first test"

"Really, so what is the second test?" I wonder

"How much personal information I can give you before it grosses you out" she smirks. "your not doing very well, in case your wondering?"

"Aw come on, I hardly know you and your telling me about your friends and their talents" I say in a mock sulk.

"Yes, my potential bff, and that is only the tip of the, shall we say interesting things, iceberg I could tell you"

"Potential bff?" I query

"Oh yes, did I forget to mention that that is what I am testing you for, I have an opening, due to the fact that my last one was somewhat of an evil manwhore bitch"

"Oh sounds interesting, do tell" I ask, enjoying the innocent banter, realising how long it is since I had this.

"Only if you pass all the tests dear!" she says authoritivly.

"There are more?" she only nods. "And what might they be"

"Well it will hardly be a fair test if I tell you will it?"

"Well can I at least get another go at the second test?"

"I don't know, I am not normally one for giving second chances" she jokes.

"Aw please, I can't wait to hear about their talents" I wiggle my eyebrows.

" I think you might just get past third missy" she replied, at which we both burst out laughing.

By the end of lunch, I know quite a bit about her friends and their various talents. I know that there are five in total. That she doesn't have a set rotation because that would be to structured and therefore, in her own words, to relationshipy. That she had a good night last night with the one that is very good at the energetic (again her own words), and as such she burnt off so many calories that the greasy burger was a must.

When we were finished with our food and it was time to go I realised I'd felt something that I hadn't felt for a long time. I realised that I didn't want it to be over, I realised that I could have went on talking to her for the rest of the afternoon, I realised I didn't want to be on my own anymore. Normally when I am around people I can't wait to be alone, I have a hard time making conversation because, well I don't really know why, I think I have always been kind of like this even before Edward, but getting my heart broken probably didn't help.

But Amanda was different, she made me smile and I realised that I wanted to be her friend.

"How did I do then?" I asked as we were walking out of the burger bar.

"Well you second attempt at the gross out test went considerably better and we already know you got past third" she smiles. We are walking down the street now, heading back to the shop.

"What was third?"

"You amuse me" she said simply

"Wow thanks, I have completed my life's mission, I have amused a blonde shop girl with commitment issues, joy!" I say sarcastically

She just looks at me and then we both start laughing.

As we get to the clothes shop, which I look up and notice is called Dazzles, she turns to me and says "So all that's left is test 4, we will meet at Yaxleys bar over on Madison by the uni, you know it?" I nod. "Cool, tomorrow at 8?"

"Can't sorry, I'm working, How about Tuesday?" I ask

"Yea, sounds good, so see you in four days oh and dress code is smart casual!"

"Bye"

I walk away smiling and actually looking forward to Tuesday. I don't do much for the rest of the day, just potter around waiting for my shift to start. I have the evening shift, which I like. We are always busy especially on the weekend, and I have both nights this week so I'm pleased.

"Hey Izzy, you ready for the mad house?"

"Bex, yea. You recovered yet?"

"Oh don't, yesterday was a write off for me! Matt said I was sooo drunk, I think I embarrassed the poor boy!" she laughed.

"Yea, you were a little worse for wear! Not that I can say anything,"

"I know, little miss run off in the middle to hurl then come back as if nothing has happened"

"Ooh catchy, I think I'll keep that nickname" I joke.

Three hours later, I am well into my shift. Suddenly I start to feel apprehensive, not sure why but I think it may have something to do with the murmuring that has just started up. It seems to be centred around a young couple who have just come in. They are seated in my section, I start to walk towards them, their backs are facing me, and my bad feeling gets worse until it turns into all out fear, because I know who they are before I even get to the table. I want to turn and run but I can't, I can't lose my job. Also a little, tiny voice in my head is saying we shouldn't be afraid, we weren't the ones who left.

I get to the table and look into two inhumanely beautiful faces that I haven't seen in six long years and I can't even speak.

"Hello Bella"


	4. Chapter 4

I just stand and stare

Emmett has a big goofy grin on his face, and Rosalie looks perfect, just how she always does, obviously with a hint of disdain.

I find my voice after what seems like an hour.

'hello' I croak out, take a breath and try again. 'Hi Emmett,' I then turn my head slightly 'Rosalie'

'How have you been, Bells?'

'Um, okay' I stutter. 'Look, I'm working and we don't exactly stock what you want, so perhaps you should go.'

Rosalie hissed and started to get up, Emmett put a hand on her arm 'Rosy,' he muttered before turning back to me.

'Sorry, Bells, it's just we were in the area and I wanted to see you, make sure your okay.'

'I'm at work' was all I could say, this just wasn't making any sense.

'We shouldn't have come here, but would you meet up with us after your shift?'

'Why Emmett, why now?'

'We can talk later, please Bella?'

'Um, okay, I get off in two hours, I'll meet you at the bar.' I look around and see Bex staring, I take out my pad 'You'd better order something.'

I took their order and got back to work, my brain not really functioning. All I could do was wonder what this was about, why after 6 years of nothing do I suddenly have two people from a future lost sat in my place of work.

After what seemed like triple the time my final two hours were finished. I walked over to the bar where a smiling Emmett and a not so happy Rosalie were waiting for me.

I took a deep breath, not sure how I would get through the next however long this, whatever this was, would take.

'Bella' Emmett began

'What are you doing here? What happened to 'like you never existed'?'

'Um, what?'

'That's what E…' I couldn't bring myself to say his name, 'he, that's what he said.'

Rosalie was looking at me with something other than her usual distaste, but I couldn't say what. Emmett looked upset.

'Sorry, it's just, we saw you in that club the other night, and well I wanted to come talk to you, to find out if you are okay, to catch up. I know it's selfish.' He looked so contrite. 'But I worry about you'

Now I really never thought I would be able to get angry at the Cullens. I have always seen everything as my fault. I get angry at myself for ever thinking that I was even remotely good enough, and I go through bouts of depression. Bouts probably being an understatement. But I once read somewhere that everyone has got a button you just need to know where to push. Turns out Emmett was the key to mine.

'Worry about me? Worry about me?' I can feel the anger leaking into my voice, which I think I manage to keep to an acceptable volume. 'Really, so when you left without even saying goodbye, that was for my benefit huh?' I take a breath. 'Look I don't know what this is about, and frankly I don't care' I lie. 'But, I can't do this'

I walk off and head out of Eclipse.

I just start walking home, when I feel someone catching up with me.

'Look Em' I say as I turn around, but stop speaking when I realise it's Rose.

'I won't pretend that I have missed you. You know that I never cared much for you.' She says, 'But you need to talk to Emmett'

'Why?'

'Because regardless of anything else, he has missed you. Don't ask me why, I love him but sometimes I think I will never understand him.' She looks down at me. 'He has a big heart, always has done, and he thinks of you as a little sister.'

I start to say something, to object, but she hisses to keep me quiet.

'Regrets are a bad thing for a vampire to have, so you will go back and listen to him.'

She has no uncertainty in her voice and I am a little scared, so I nod and start walking back to the restaurant.

Emmett is waiting outside, and as I look at him I realise that I do want to talk to him.

'Bells?'

I know it's a question so I attentively nod in reply. He puts his arms around me and envelops me in a big hug.


	5. Chapter 5

Half an hour later I have Emmett sitting in my small kitchen. Rosalie had left us two to it, I think she can only put up with my miserable humaness for so long.

'Did you want anything?' I stutter, sounding so unsure

'No, Bell. Please, sit'

I put down the cloth, which I have been absent mindedly wiping the counter top with. I walk slowly to the table, take out a chair and sit down.

I glance up at him and start to say something. I quickly realise that I have no idea what to say so I stop and look down at my hands.

'So. How have you been?'

I look at him and he is looking at me, I mean really looking at me. I don't know how to reply, how am I suppose to answer this.

'Okay.' I decide to lie.

He smiles at me. One of the Emmett Cullen special megawatt smiles and somehow, I don't know exactly, I manage to draw some strength from it.

'How have you been?'

'Fine,' he answers quickly.

'Um… what are you doing in Seattle?'

'Just visiting'

'Are you….' I take a deep breath and try asking the only question that has been praying on my mind since I first saw them again. 'Are you on your own. You and Rose I mean?'

He gives me a small smile. 'Yes'

'Oh' I look down at my hands

I feel my table shake before I hear a loud bang.

I look up and see that Emmett has banged his fist down, somehow managing to not break my table.

'Em?' I ask

'Sorry Bell, it's just that I didn't think this would be so hard'

That caught my attention.

'What did you think it would be like? You left Em, your whole family left, I mean left the state left and suddenly you're here, in my kitchen, almost breaking furniture. Tell me how is it supposed to be?'

I feel anger building up as I talk but as soon as I finish speaking it dies and I just feel numb.

'I know what we did was crappy, and I know I shouldn't have come back into your life but I couldn't help it Bella. I just want to talk.'

'What about Em?'

'You'

'What do you want to know?'

'How long have you been in Seattle?'

'Coming up 5 years'

'Did you go to college?'

'No'

Emmett looks surprised at this.

'Really, I thought you would have'

'Nope'

'Why not?'

My eyes, which had been concentrating on an imperfection on the table surface flicked up to meet his.

'I lacked concentration.'

Which wasn't a lie, it just omitted a lot of truth. I looked back down

'So what have you been doing?'

'Working the restaurant'

'Anything else?'

'Eating, sleeping.'

'You miss him'

My hole where my heart used to be starts to throb. I look up and quietly but firmly say 'Don't.'

'Bella' he starts, but he is wearing the look. The look that so many people have used on me. The look that is somewhere between sadness and pity. It strikes me that for all he ever said, Vampires and Humans were still quite similar.

'Emmett, I said don't.' my voice shakes.

'Bella' he tries again, that look still on his face, and I lose it.

'What do you think, I'm not the one who left, I'm not the one who lied. When I said, when I told him….. Look everything I said I meant. So yes I hurt, and yes I….I miss him, but admitting that, saying that it.. it doesn't change anything. So why bother?!'

Emmett just stares at me, he is at a loss for words, and I just feel bad. I didn't want to unload like that, it's not fair on him. I start to say sorry, but he stops me. 'I shouldn't have said anything. It was stupid of me.'

And I just laugh. Not hysterical, crying laughter. Just laughter.

'Yes it kind of was, you big dolt!' I tell him, when I calm down to a giggle.

'Dolt?' he asks smiling.

And just like that the years fall away, and he's back to being an annoying older brother.

'So you and Rose on the clubbing scene huh?'

'It has been know'

'Did you teeny bop?'

'Do I look like a teeny bopper?'

This time the laughter does turn hysterical, and I start to cry. He comes round the table and hugs me.

I don't know how long we sit like that but he lets me get my tears out.

I calm down slightly and manage to string a sentence together.

'Sorry. It's just I've missed you Em'

He holds me tighter, until I let all of the stress of the day go and fall asleep in my big brothers arms.


	6. Chapter 6

It's been three days since Emmett and Rosalie walked back into my life. After the first emotional night, me and Emmett spent a while getting fully caught up. Rosalie was even there for parts of it. It involved tears and laughter and pain, but I got through it. Every time I thought of Edward I thought I was going to break but I didn't.

It's strange how a lot of the time I seem to be able to disengage, like how I can keep memories of what I lost separate to spending time with Emmett, and yea, Rosalie.

It's good.

Last night was a night off for me so we stayed in at mine and watched a movie. I very rarely put the T.V. on. I like the quiet. This was different though, I enjoyed it, I mean I can't remember the title now, but it was good just knowing that I wasn't alone.

Rose and I have formed a strange kind of truce. We don't exactly get on, but when she admitted that Emmett thought of me as his little sister and that he missed me, it was like she was accepting the fact that he needed me and she was putting him first.

This tangible evidence of love is enough to make me feel sick, but that's not really disengaging is it.

Today is Tuesday.

I have the morning shift at Eclipse and then this evening I am meeting Amanda.

My shift goes quick enough and on the way home I stop off at a clothes shop. I figure that tonight will probably be quite casual, but not as casual as anything I actually own (apart from the club wear, but I think that might be too much.) However I should be able to pick something out myself.

I settle on a pair of dark blue skinny jeans and a red strappy vest top - mainly because they are quick and easy to grab and I find that as soon as I walk into the shop I want to leave straight away.

I get back to my apartment, unlock the door, open it and walk in.

Then I jump out of my skin.

Rosalie is standing in my hallway waiting for me.

'Rose…. What? How?'

She looks at me like I am an idiot and in a bored voice says 'Vampire' while pointing at herself.

'Ah, sneaky and stealthy, got it!'

I look around and notice I left one of the windows slight ajar. I smile.

'That covers the how, what about the what?'

She looks at me and raises a perfect eyebrow.

'I mean what are you doing here?'

'I thought it was about time we had a chat'

'I thought we already had'

'We've barely said two words to each other'

'That's how we both like it Rose!'

'Look' she growls. 'I don't like you, I don't like your choices and the way you are wallowing disgusts me.'

I struggle to come up with a reply, but it doesn't matter she just barges ahead.

'But Emmett does like you.'

'You've been through this Rose.'

'And while I know that it's not like you will be around forever.'

There's that familiar stab of pain.

'If I want him to be happy. AND I DO, then I'm going to have to put up with your annoying, whining self.'

She was belittling me, and instead of just letting it wash over me - which I normally do. I found myself getting annoyed.

'None of that explains what you are doing here Rose. If I'm that annoying why are you here when Emmett's not?'

'Because if I am going to have to put up with you, I'm going to have to find something about you that at least entertains me, or the foreseeable future is going to be hell.'

'Wait, what?' something just clicked.

Rose rolled her eyes and said, 'do not make me say what what?!'

'What do you mean foreseeable future? How long do you two plan on staying in Seattle?'

Rose just looked at me with confusion in her amber eyes.

'Bella, I know your dumb for a human but come on, tell me your not that dumb.'

'Rose. What are you getting at?' My voice is shaking because I know what's coming even if I don't want to admit it.

'Emmett isn't going anywhere. He knows how bad you took it before. To him you are family and nothing will make him turn his back on you now. We might go away for a couple of weeks at a time. But he will always come back.'

A part of me feels safe hearing these words, knowing that I don't have to feel all alone anymore, even when it is said so begrudgingly. But there is another part, the part that knows this can't possibly happen. Emmett and Rose are here without the knowledge of the others.

'But Rosalie, how can I be a permanent part of your lives, what about the others, they'll find out.'

She looks at me with what looks like pity in her eyes.

'Bella you know about our family, we don't keep secrets, we can't even if we try - and Emmett would try if you asked him to. The moment we came back into your life you had to know that they would find out, that they would all find out.'

She left the name unsaid. The one we were both thinking. The one that started all this.

Sometimes I think back to the first time we met, in Biology. He later told me that he wanted to kill me that day, that it took all his strength and more not to.

A part of me wished he did

A part of me, a big part of me, thinks it would have been kinder than leaving me this empty shell.

Because that is what I am, it doesn't matter what I have, it doesn't matter that after six longs years I feel like I am slowly starting to connect to things again. All that matters is that he doesn't want me, and one day soon, I am going to see him again. I am going to look in his perfect, beautiful eyes and I am going to see the proof of that.

And it will destroy what is left of me.


	7. Chapter 7

'Izzy, are you even listening to me?'

I am pulled out of my own mind be Amanda. I look at her and smile apologetically. We had been in Yaxleys for half an hour, and I was lost in my own head thinking back to mine and rose's earlier conversation.

'Sorry, I just zoned out there'

'I kind of guessed that!'

'Um, so what were you saying?'

'Just some random shit 'bout Josh, nothing major' She replies airily. Josh is one of the five.

'Do u want to talk about what's bothering u?'

I try to look indifferent. 'Nothings bothering me'

'Ah Iz, you do know this bff thing works both ways right?'

'I thought I was just a potential bff, don't I have more tests to pass?' I try to lighten the conversation.

'Well you showed up and I like you, so I am just going to waive the rest of the tests.' She tells me with a glint in her eyes. She hold out her hand for me to shake and says 'Congratulations you're my new bff, now spill'

'Really I'm fine' I say smiling at her. 'So what was the random shit about Josh?' I ask trying to get her back on to that topic.

She takes a moment, seeming to consider me and finally says 'I can see I am going to have to bring out the big guns.'

I look at her in what I can only assume is a quizzical manner, and she just smiles while getting up and walking to the bar.

Two hours later and I have realised that the big guns was copious amounts of alcohol. And by copious amounts I mean a hell of a lot. I mean that between the two of us we have just consumed more alcohol than I have previously drank in my entire life, and considering I went through a whole drinking to forget stage (which resulted in short term memory loss, but never what I was actually trying to go for), I mean a lot.

Amanda leaned back in her chair, gave me an appraising look and then said 'Now spill.'

'It's really not that interesting' I tried to put her off.

'Well then you should have no problem spilling' was the reply. Obviously my new bff was not one to be deterred.

I looked at her, at her open and honest face, and made a decision. I don't think it's the alcohol talking, but obviously I can't be 100% sure, but the thought of being able to talk to someone about this. Someone who has absolutely no connection to him, I felt like it was something that I needed.

'Okay' I started. 'Just don't judge me - it's about a boy.'

I went on to tell her the whole story, well an abridged version of the whole story. The main points were all there. Me moving to Forks, me meeting the infamous, gorgeous Cullen's, me falling in love with one of them, me almost believing that he felt the same way. Him breaking up with me, him and his entire family, some of which I thought of as close friends, leaving without even saying goodbye, my reaction to it, my very, very bad reaction to it. Everything that led me up to this point including the very recent reappearance of two of the Cullen's in my life and the even more recent realisation of what that actually meant.

Amanda leant back in her seat, she had been leaning in to me towards the end, giving me unspoken support to carry on with my story. 'Wow' was all she said

I looked at her 'I know.'

'And after all this time..' she let the statement tail off. I knew she was really asking a question.

'Yes' I answered.

'How? How can you still love him?' I know she couldn't reconcile the fact that he hurt me so much and that my heart, my soul still belongs to him. How do I explain that it always will.

'It's not his fault that he doesn't love me, I think back on our time together and I realise he did try, I guess I was never the one for him.' I feel the sting of tears in my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. I need to make her see that this isn't his fault, that I have never blamed him. 'I was the one that was in the wrong. I was too into the relationship, my whole life revolved around him, and my biggest problem was that it never stopped revolving around him even when he was gone'

'Izzy, I know you are trying to take all the blame, but if he never felt the same way as you, then he never should have led you on.' I start to shake my head but she cuts me off before I can say anything. 'Look I know you are never going to agree with me so lets move on'

I nod

'Now about this Alice' she looks at me.

'What about her?'

'She was your best friend?' I just nod. 'And she just leaves without even saying goodbye?' Again I nod.

'Well I hope you agree that that was just plain wrong, And I thought my ex bff was a bitch!'

'I believe your exact words were evil manwhore bitch' I remind her, thinking that whatever her friend did, had to be worse than what Alice did.

'Yea but at least she was there when my life went to shit, even if she was the reason' I look at her inquisitively, but she just replies that we will get into that another night, because we are to busy dealing with my 'gone to shit' life now.

'So what are you going to do?'

'I have no idea, I mean it's not like I can run away from this, Emmett wouldn't let me.' I sigh deeply and then take a big gulp from my wine.

'Do you want to run away?' she asks while getting up.

'Yea, kind of, I just I don't know,' I really don't

'Well I am going to get another bottle,'

'Really, you know I have to work tomorrow right?'

'You're a young girl, act like it' she said while she was walking away.

Five minutes later she is back with a smile on her face and a bottle of wine in her hand. 'So where were we?'

'My inability to even realise how I feel' yea definitely had too much to drink.

'Trust me that's not always a bad thing, I have been known to do a lot of embarrassing stuff based on realising how I actually feel!'

'Don't tell me, we'll talk about your life another night?' I smile.

'I got to make sure you keep coming back doll face' she says in a serious face before we both burst out laughing.

Another glass of wine and another lead in to the conversation she wants to have.

'Iz, why should you want to run away?'

'Self preservation, or at least preserving what little is left.' I reply, the alcohol making me honest.

'Keep going'

'I don't think that I can bear to look in his eyes and see the cold hard indifference he has for me.'

'Keep going'

'The last time that I saw him he destroyed the biggest part of me'

'Keep going'

'I'd take damnation to see him just one more time' the tears start to fall.

'Is he worth it?'

'He's worth everything, he is so much more than I ever could be, then I ever could deserve'

'Your wrong' she states

I look at her, a question in my gaze.

'He used you, he knew how he felt and he led you on, your too hung up on the way that you feel to see clearly but he never deserved you. He never deserved your unconditional love. And he is definitely not more than you could ever be.' She sounded so convinced, so clear that it was truth, but I knew otherwise, he was more and he was always out of my reach. That was my shortcoming, not his.

We talked for another hour, her trying to show me that I was better, me not buying it. In the end all that was sorted out was the fact that I wasn't going to run away, no matter what happened. After all he is the one that left me so it falls on him to keep his distance.

We left the bar only when we got kicked out. We made arrangements to meet for lunch later in the week and then went our separate way.

It was late, but I was drunk so while Amanda went to hail a cab I decided to walk the short journey home.

As I turned the block I found the hulk waiting for me. I went up and gave him a big hug.

'Ah belly bean, you are soooo drunk'

'I only had a little Emmy bear.'

He chuckled, picking me up he started to carry me towards home. As we were walking, or as he was walking and I was jiggling, I suddenly started to feel a very unpleasant sensation rising up from my stomach.

'Ah Em, I don't feel to good, I think I am going to be ….'

Thankfully Emmett had the presence of mind to hold me over some greenery, while I threw up the entire contents of my stomach.

I don't remember anything else until we are in my apartment and Emmett is trying to force water down my throat.

'Come on Bella, drink the water like a good girl'

'Aw Em. Just let me sleep' I splutter trying to knock the glass out of his hand.

In the end he relents and takes me to my room, tucking me into bed I am suddenly overcome with emotion ad the tears start to fall.

'Bella, what is it?'

'I don't get it' I ask confused.

'Get what?'

'Why are you here, acting like you care?'

Emmett looks like I have just kicked his puppy. 'Bella I do care'

'Why now, why not then, why not when I still had a chance to be me again?'

'You are you'

'No I'm not, I'm no one, I'm a shell, an unwantable, unloveable shell'

'That's not what you are'

'THEN WHY DIDN'T HE WANT ME'

Silence.

Then the dam breaks and I cry.


	8. Chapter 8

I stand looking in the mirror. Nothings right. My hair won't stay where I put it. My clothes look wrong. I really do look a little on the skinny side… ok, well that's an understatement…skeletal might be a little closer.

It's been two weeks since I drunkenly fell asleep whilst crying in Emmett's arms.

The morning after, I woke up feeling bad - very, very bad. Emmett was still next to me, I don't think he'd moved at all. When I asked why he had stayed he told me, with a smile one his face, that he was afraid I might choke on my own vomit.

I didn't remember much about the night before, about what was said, though judging by the pity in his eyes, I guessed it was bad.

I did remember crying.

'Sorry' I had said to Emmett.

'What for?'

'You know'

'Ah, throwing up on my shoes' he faked a glare.

'I did not throw up on your shoes'

'How could you possibly know that, the nights a blur to you Bells' he smiled.

'I would remember that' I scowled, to which he just laughed.

'What I am saying sorry for' I continued across his guffaws 'IS, I'm sorry for turning into a blubbering mess.'

'Nothing to apologise for on that score Bells'

'You don't need me doing that'

'Stop it'

'But Em …'

'No, your hurting. If you need to get drunk and cry all night, then I'm here.'

'It's not fair…..'

'Stop it'

'Let me finish' I take a pause and just look at him to make sure he is going to keep quiet. 'It's not fair on you Em.'

'I just told you….'

'No listen, you know why I'm upset, I can only imagine what I said last night.'

'You don't remember?'

'No alcohol kind of stops that, but I can guess the gist and he's your brother Em, I shouldn't be putting you in the middle of this.'

He grabbed both of my shoulders at that point and looked me in the eye. 'You are not putting me anywhere Bell, I've chosen to be here.' There seemed to be a slight look of defiance about him, and I was about to argue back, when I had to stop due to my need to vomit.

Like I say that all happened two weeks ago, and Emmett and Rose are still around. Not constantly, not everyday, but they are there. If I need them, if I just want to chat, or watch a goofy film or well anything they are there. Well mainly Emmett, but Rose is trying you can tell. It's nice, it makes me feel safe, something I haven't felt for a long time now.

I have also been spending some time with Amanda, which is also nice. I feel like I am finally starting to connect. I think what helped was when we had met for lunch a few days after Yaxley's, the conversation started with her saying that since we spent the last time talking all about my problems, this time was all about her.

It turned out that she had had a serious relationship before, a very serious relationship, an engaged, fully planned and paid for wedding, relationship. Then three days before the big day she found out he had been cheating on her, was still cheating on her.

'I didn't know who with at the time' she told me looking at me

'No' I couldn't believe it. I knew what was coming.

'Yea, the damned bitch was all hugs and sympathy. Helped me with all the cancellations, was there for me the whole time, mopped up my tears - the whole shebang. It wasn't for another month that I found out, that it had been her, and that they were still at it.'

'oh m umm' I struggle to find the right words. 'I have no idea what to say to that'

'Tell me about it, the bitch still tries to get in touch'

'No way'

'Yea, and they are still banging.'

'Damn, well at least you know, if they are still at it, umm' I looked at her struggling to find the words I wanted.

'What? You mean a shitty start for an all time love?' She'd asked to which I had only nodded, looking what I think was slightly horrified.

'Judging by the fact that she is screwing around with another two guys, plus any number of one night strange, I think not.'

I just looked at her while she took another bite of her lunch, and said the only thing I could think of.

'Well it's official then.'

She gave me a quizzical look.

'I am going to be the best bff you've ever had.'

She started laughing.

'It's not funny, I don't work well under pressure, and that's just taken a whole load off. Phew.'

We looked at each other for a moment and then we both burst out laughing.

Once they initial discussions of why we were both emotionally damaged were out the way we started talking about things normal girls would talk about. It was fun. We spent the next few meet up's just really getting to know each other and it turned out Amanda's instincts were right, we really did make good friends.

Tonight was a big night. We were introducing another girl into our fold.

Amanda had decided we needed a night out, a proper dancing, pulling, night out. To which I told her that I did neither of those things, but I did know a good club. I told her about Rebecca at work and how she was dating Matt, one of the bartenders at Midnight Sun, at that point she got really excited and said we had to go and of course Bex should come with us. The next shift I worked with Bex I asked, and she seemed really into it and so here I am looking in a mirror, seeing myself for the first time in a really long time. I'm shocked, I can't believe I really look like this. I really don't remember getting this thin. I now understand why the doctors have been getting at me whenever I had to go to hospital for a klutz accident. The dress I am wearing hangs, rather than fits. I am not even sure how that is possible. I don't think they even make adult clothes any smaller.

Amanda said that we had to get away from the comfortable, and go for daring. I think she was just talking to me, cause, lets face it I don't think she can get anymore daring, but this dress just doesn't look good. I think I am going to have to go back to trusty trousers and I'll just pick a revealing top to accent my… wait…. Damn I'm sure I used to have boobs, I mean nothing big but you know something I could work with. When did I lose them. Halter neck it is. Amanda is not going to be happy. At least now I have a few to choose from. One of the perks of your best friend working in a clothes shop, she gives you her discount.

We met up at Eclipse for pre clubbing food. A plan I was fully behind, after seeing how thin I was. However I went a little overboard and ordered to much food, you know for someone who was in advanced placement classes way back when in Phoenix, I'm really not that smart. I didn't take into account that my stomach only used to very small portions of food would fill up really quickly. Ah well live and learn right.

Amanda and Rebecca got on really well, and by the time we were headed to Midnight Sun we had already shared a couple of bottles of wine with our meal. In the cab Amanda started talking

'You know we only need one more'

'One more what?' I asked.

'One more girl'

'huh?'

'Then we can be sex and the city'

'Seriously, you snuck in some shots back at Eclipse didn't you?' I asked smiling.

'Well duh, what does that have to do with it, seriously we got Carrie, Samantha and Charlotte, we need a Miranda.'

I have no idea what she is talking about but Bex starts laughing. 'Go on then, who's who?'

'Well obviously I'm Samantha, the amount of strange I go through proves that.'

'What about the five?' I ask.

'To much like a relationship if I don't gets no strange' Me and Bex start laughing.

'And your definitely Charlotte' she carries on through our laughter pointing at Bex. 'Cause, you're the commity one of us, with your serious, what I am assuming hot, boyf.'

Then she points at me. 'You are definitely Carrie. The whole waiting for Mr Big, the tosser.'

'I think I would be offended if I knew what the hell you were talking about' I smile.

Then I hear two gasps I look at them and with very shocked face they both start talking at me.

'What do you mean you don't…'

'Have you never watc…'

'Seriously guys, one at a time'

They look at each other and Amanda say 'You take this one'

Rebecca looks at me and takes a deep breath.

'Are you saying that you have never watched Sex and the City'

'Watched what?'

'How…. What…. How is this possible?'

'If it helps I don't watch much t.v.'

'How am I only just finding this out?' Amanda asks looking horrified.

'Guys, it is just a t.v. show'

'That's it, the next time you two are off together my house, junk food, sex and the city boxset's, and that's all I will say on the matter because Swan you are seriously harshing my buzz.'

I was confused.

The rest of the ride to the club was uneventful and as soon as the alcohol was flowing we were all back to our drunken merry selves.

It was a really good night, lots of alcohol, they danced I stayed sitting to mind the seats Bex had procured, damn she was good at that. We finished the night by arranging a Sex and the City pajama party, which as childish as it sounded I was looking forward to. Amanda went home with some strange of course.

Matt was driving, so after he finished work, he dropped me off before him and Becca went back to hers.

I think in years to come, when I look back at this I will berate myself for not expecting what was about to happen. I mean I think I should know by now that nothing good ever happens to me without a payment of something having to be made. But I honestly walked into my apartment thinking that my life was finally starting to go right.

And then I walked into the kitchen

And I saw Emmett

And I saw Rosalie

And I didn't pay them any attention at all because I saw him

Because I saw Edward

And because I had no idea what to do I said the only two words that came into my head.

'I'm drunk'

And I walked into my bedroom.


	9. Chapter 9

Oh mi god, oh mi god, oh mi god.

That is the chant going on in my head as I pace my room.

If I was indeed ever drunk it has gone now, I am as sober as a die and all I can think about is the Adonis sat at my kitchen table.

I have been pacing for 40 minutes and I have no idea what to do. What is he doing here. What's happened to never existed. I could deal with that, yeah, ok, not very well, I think we all know I wasn't that good at coping with the never existed thing, but damnit I was starting to. I was starting to build some friendships and it only took me 6 years. What's he doing here?

I sink onto my bed, suddenly not feeling strong enough to keep pacing. My memories, my dreams they didn't do him justice. He is so much more perfect than I remember, and he is here, in my apartment, a wall is all that separates us. And in a moment of clarity I realise that I have to go back in there, because whatever the reason he is here, whatever it costs me, I can't deny the chance to be around him however limited the time may be.

I stand up and walk out of my room and back into the kitchen.

He's sat there. God he is breathtaking.

'Hi' I find my voice.

'Not drunk anymore Bells?' Emmett asks in a blatant effort to lighten the mood.

'The rooms stopped spinning' I reply smiling at him, he does look uncomfortable bless him.

Edward is just sat staring at me, he winces slightly and then glances quickly at Emmett, he must be picking up on one thought or another. Probably knows everything that Emmett has seen or heard from me. That's uncomfortable, and a little annoying, I mean I don't know anything about what he has been up to. Not that I am sure I want to know. Him leading his life fully with all his distractions while I just simply existed. That's probably doing his ego a world of good and now I am angry, how odd.

'Hi' I am interrupted from my reverie by the most beautiful, melodic voice I have ever heard. His.

'Hi'

'How are you?'

How am I, how am I, seriously that's what he is asking, Oh I'm fine Edward, yeah so I tried to catch you in the forest but I couldn't so I collapsed, a werewolf found me, took me home and I spent the next 6 years going through some highly self damaging motions, until I settled down and just stopped. That's what I should have said, I mean he is the one who left me, what did he expect.

Instead I went with 'fine'

Out the corner of my eye I see Rosalie role her eyes, yeah right there with ya Rose. Wow maybe I am still drunk.

He just nods and carries on staring at me.

'Um… what are you doing here?' I really don't understand why he is.

'Well Emmett and Rosalie mentioned that they had seen you and I … ' he trails off

'And you….?' I prompt.

'thought I would come say hi'

'Well you came, you said' that's shocked him, I need a drink.

I walk over to the fridge, I'm sure there is half a bottle of wine in there. I open the fridge door and score, oh pink winey goodness.

Once I have poured a glass I turn back to them. Edward and Emmett look like they are having a private exchange. I take a large sip and go and sit at the table.

'Should I leave?' he asks

'That's always been your choice Edward'

'I'm asking you Bell.'

'That makes a change'

There are a couple of moments of silence, I continue to sip my drink.

'Well me and Rose need to hunt, don't we Rosie' Emmett looks over to her. She doesn't look to happy but starts to walk to the door.

'We won't be going far' she tells us.

'See you later Bells' he says in that voice, the one he uses to make sure I know he means what he says.

When they left it was just me and him, in the quiet. I go to take a sip, and I see that my wine has all gone, I go over to the fridge to get another glass.

'Are you sure you should have anymore?' he asked and I lost it.

'What the hell does it matter to you?'

'Well, you said you were drunk when you came back..' he started to say.

'Yea, well you sorted that out'

'What does that mean'

'It means that the best way to sober anyone up is to put their ex in front of them.'

'I don't think that is always the case'

'Well it is right now'

He is silent again.

'What are you doing here?'

'Em and R…'

'Emmett and Rosalie what, told you to come? dragged you here kicking and screaming? You saw me in their memories and thought "Hey I know, I'll go and see Bella and tell her how much better off I am without her, I mean that will be good for the old ego"'

'No Bell.'

'Ran out of distractions?'

'No'

What that's what a sucker punch feels like huh.

'No Bella, I mean please will you just listen to what I have got to say?'

'I always do, don't I?'

'I came to see you because I miss you'

My head which had been looking at the graining on the table snaps up.

I go to speak, but he is next to me before I can even get the first word out and he covers my lips with one of his perfect fingers.

'I came to beg your forgiveness'

He looks at my imploringly and I just can't process it, my brain has stopped working. I know I have get out of this situation before I start to do the worst possible thing, hope.

'I need to sleep'

I get up and walk into my room. He follows me.

'Do you want me to leave'

'No'

He smiles slightly.

I get into my bed, and somehow, unbelievably I manage to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.


	10. Chapter 10

I wake up the following morning feeling subdued. My head is pounding. It takes a couple of seconds for the reason to come back to me. And then in a rush I remember it all, I saw him, he's here. I draw in a large, sharp breath before I open my eyes, turn my head and see him standing by my window. It is a dull, overcast morning but I find myself thinking about how he would look if the sun was shining, his perfect marble skin sparkling, I feel a tear roll down from the corner of my eye, landing on the pillow, I close my eyes again and turn away.

I feel his cool, feather like touch on my cheek.

'Bella?'

'What is it?'

'Will you please look at me?' he sounds strange, strained.

I turn to face him, opening my eyes, I have never been able to deny him.

'I know I have hurt you, I know I will never be able to make amends, but I need to know whether I have even the slightest chance'

'Chance?'

'With you'

'What about me?'

He looks exasperated. 'I told you last night, I want you back'

That makes me sit up.

'No. No you didn't. That is not what you said. I would have remembered that.' I babble.

'I told you I missed you, and that I wanted to beg your forgiveness.'

'Exactly, in no way was that you telling me you want to get back together.'

I don't actually believe we are having this conversation. It makes no sense to me. Am I dreaming? Owww, no definitely not dreaming, wow I give good pinch.

I throw the covers off me, he steps back and I get out of bed, walking into the bathroom in search of painkillers. Tylenol. Now to the kitchen to find something to take these babies with. He is following me.

'It was inferred, Bell'

'No it wasn't, Edward'

I am fumbling with the tablets, trying to get them out. He walks up to me takes them out of my hands and gives me two of them, a second later he gives me a glass of water to take them with.

'Thank you'

He just looks at me.

'I don't understand what you are doing here' I ask, my voice catching.

'I told you, I've missed you.'

'You left, not me. I would have went anywhere with you.' There are tears in my eyes.

He closes his eyes as if he's in pain. 'I know.'

'That was six years ago.'

He just nods.

'Why now?'

'Rose and Em..'

I cut him off, he doesn't need to finish that sentence.

'You read their minds.' It's not a question.

He nods. And I understand. I see through my pain, he doesn't really want me back. He has seen the pain he has caused me through their minds and he want to make it stop. I know that I have to make him understand that I don't blame him for this. I am the one who fell hopelessly, irrevocably in love with him, I don't blame him for not feeling the same way, I never have. I can't, I don't, I would never expect him to stay with me when it is not what he needs, what he wants. I just need to make him see this.

'Edward, you don't need to do this.' He looks like he is about to say something but I cover his lips with my finger before he can open his mouth. If he interrupts I don't think I will be able to get through it all. 'You don't need my forgiveness, you've done nothing wrong. You can't blame yourself for my reaction to you leaving. I loved you so much and it hurt, but that isn't unusual. If you look at most break-ups out there, one person usually hurts more than the other, but they get over it. I'm getting over it, it's just taking me a while.'

'Bella'

'No, listen. Pretending to want me back it's not going to work. I know you want to make me feel better, that's just who you are, but you left for a reason, you didn't want me, all those feelings, all your feelings they are still there and they are not going to go away just so you can try to make everyone else feel good. You can't live a lie.'

'I know Bella will you please just listen to me.' He takes my head between his hands and looks deeply into my eyes. 'I don't want to live a lie anymore. I. Love. You. I should never have left you.'

I go to take his hands off my face, knowing that I am not strong enough to budge them but seeing my intent he releases me. I take a step back. I am confused again. 'I'm sorry what?'

'I lied. That day in the woods, I lied. I love you, I have always loved you. I should never have left you.'

'Oh.' That's all I can say, I think back on everything, on the whole last six years of my life, the pain I went through, I am still going through. The people that have suffered with me. Everything that I have done, that I ended up never doing, my eyes fill with tears again and then I look up at this glorious creature stood in front of me, who I have loved so fully every single damn day. I can't even remember a time when my whole being wasn't centred around him. I look at him standing there in the kitchen of my tiny little apartment.

And I am pissed.


	11. Chapter 11

'Bella'

I just stand there trying to control my temper.

'Bella, please'

'What Edward, please what?'

He is taken aback at my tone. 'Tell me what you are thinking'.

'Does it matter?'

'Of course it matters'

'Really, well that makes a change.' I walk to the fridge and grab a can of soda, mainly for something to do.

'Bell..'

'No Edward, Bella nothing.' I take a sip. 'I mean what the hell do you think you are doing, coming here telling me this, this ….. I mean god what the hell is this?'

'Bell'

'No. You don't get it you had your turn, you had your turn 6 bloody years ago Edward.'

I am at a loss for words and he just stands there staring, unsure of how to proceed.

'I believed you. I looked into your eyes and I saw no feeling, nothing. I thought this was what you wanted. I could deal with that. I couldn't blame you because you didn't feel a specific way for me. But this, you lied to me, you hurt me and why? What for?'

'I wanted to keep you safe'

I snort derisively 'Well stellar job there.' I take another sip and then look down.

'Bella'

I look back up at him. 'What?'

'I need you to listen to me. I thought that my being in your life was putting you in danger. I thought that you would be better off without me. I thought that I was doing what was best for you.'

'You thought, you thought, you thought. Tell me in all your thinking did you even bother to consider taking what I thought into account?'

'I knew what you wanted'

'So that's a no then' I shake my head.

'You wanted to kill yourself'

'No, that was after you left me'

He recoils at that. ' You wanted to become a vampire, you didn't care about your own safety, so I had to!'

'You had to what? Take away my choices? Make my decisions for me?'

'You weren't thinking clearly'

'You had no right' I scream at him. He doesn't know how to react so he stays silent.

'How dare you tell me that I wasn't thinking clearly. I loved you with all my heart, with all my soul and you ripped it out of me. You broke me. The things you said to me were cruel, soul destroying. You left me in a pit of despair, and I never once blamed you for it. Not once. You couldn't help the way you felt. Except apparently you could, because you were lying.'

I turn away from him.

I feel his touch on my arm but I know that I can't take it. 'Don't'

He retracts his hand. 'Bella, please.' He sounds broken which is wrong, it's not him that broke it's me.

'The hardest thing that I have ever done was leave you Bella, you have to believe me.'

I turn back to him, 'Believe a self professed liar?'

'You said you looked into my eyes then, look into them now, please, see the truth.'

I look down, I know that I can't look into his eyes, I can't bear to.

'Bella, please?' he sounds on the verge of tears, if vampires could cry.

'Please. What?' I making a sentence out of each of the words.

'Look at me'

'why, what does it matter? If you are telling the truth now, then you were lying back then, and it is clear how much I believed you, which means that you could easily get away with lying to me now. So what is the point?'

'Your right.'

That catches me off guard, I look up at him, straight at him, and he looks contrite, but hey that doesn't mean anything really does it?

'I was conceited. I thought that I knew best, I thought that because I was born 90 years before you it automatically meant that I was right. And I wasn't.'

I try to blink away my tears.

'I took it on myself to make such a life altering decision for the both of us. I really did think you would forget me, that you would move on, that your life would go on as if we had never even met.'

I roll my eyes and start to rebuke that but he carries on, stopping me.

'I know that I was wrong. Hindsight really is 20/20. Everything that I did was aimed at protecting you.'

I sit down. I no longer have the strength to stand. I used to think that I was empty before but suddenly I realise that I never was. I had pain. I had tears. I had nightmares and fears. I had the strongest, most powerful unrequited love.

'You never saw us as equals'

He doesn't say anything, he just looks uncomfortable, probably wondering where I am going with this.

'I mean I never did either, for all the obvious reasons, I understood why you didn't want me, I could accept that you didn't want me, it didn't make me want anyone else though, understanding why you didn't want me never changed the way that I felt about you. But it wasn't true, for some reason you loved me, you wanted me and you made this choice without me.'

This is empty.

'You need to go'

'Bella, no' he sounds heartbroken.

I look him in the eyes. 'Please'

He just looks at me for a few seconds.

'Ok, I'll go, but I am not going far. I gave you up once, I can't do it again'

With that he turns and leaves, and I sit waiting for the tears to come.

They don't.


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N Hi everyone. I just wanted to say thank you to all those guys that are sticking with the story, i know i am slow with the updates, but this story is drawing on some deep emotions and i just want to get it right! Thanks to everyone who has followed/ favourited and reviewed!**

I am not sure how long I sat at my kitchen table without moving after Edward left.

I know I have to go to work later I am working the 4 till close shift. Yesterday I was glad of it, I thought it would give me time to get over my hangover, but I don't have one.

I am numb.

I know that last night, out with the girls I had a good time, I can remember laughter and smiles, but I can't remember how it felt, I can't remember how anything felt.

I am numb.

I want the anger back, that boiling rage I felt this morning, when he was here.

I don't want to be numb.

I want the pain back, the hole in my chest that made it so hard to breathe, I want to cry. I want to cry until it feels like I will never be able to stop, I want to cry like I did that night in Emmett's arms.

I don't want to be numb.

I want to let the world back in, like I was starting to before he came back.

I don't want to be numb.

I do something I have never done before, I pick up the phone and call a friend for help.

I meet Amanda in a coffee shop an hour later, she is there with her big dark sunglasses on, looking like she is in pain from just sitting, but she is there.

'Hey' she tries to smile.

'Sorry, your bad, you should have said you couldn't come.'

'Don't be silly Iz, I have been much worse than this before!'

I smile at her, though I know it is a poor effort.

'What's wrong?'

'Erm… you know nothing, I mean not much, I mean don't worry about it, I shouldn't have bothered you' I start to stand up.

'Sit' she says in such a strong voice that I do.

'Are you sure your hungover?' I just have to ask.

'Yes, so I have no time for your mind games and avoidance tactics.' She takes her glasses off and looks me in the eye. 'Now I know why my eyes are red and blotchy, but you aren't hung over. That leads to the question of how come you, who went home much more than tipsy, are now sober as a tee total weirdo, and yet have the eyes of someone that hasn't seen a day without vodka for a while?'

'I know you can do better than that' I half heartedly smile.

'Izzy?'

'Edward's back'

'Ah hunny'

The look on her face, the tone of her voice, they couple together and I feel the tears start to roll down my cheeks, slowly.

'I got home last night and he was there, waiting for me. Sat at my kitchen table.'

'Does he have a key?'

'Emmett' I had told her all about Emmett, well leaving out the obvious.

'What did you do?'

'Initially, I walked into my bedroom and stayed there for a while. But, after I had worked through a few things in my head, I went back out and faced him.'

'And?'

'Cliffnotes version? I am a bloody idiot'

'What?'

'You know when some fuckwit breaks your heart?' I can feel my anger levels rising. 'how do you deal with it?'

'I get upset, then I get angry, and yea most of the time I get even, why?' She asks cautiously.

'Because I didn't, because I got upset, so upset, I closed my self off, I distanced myself from my family, my friends the whole shebang, but that was it. I didn't get angry, I was so certain that he was good and pure and perfect, that I could never even bring myself to contemplate getting angry with him.'

'I know Iz, we talked about this remember, I told you he was the bad guy, that you should be mad.'

'But I honestly didn't think he was the bad guy, and he isn't, not in the way you think he is.' I tell her, implore her.

'Then what's changed?'

'He lied.'

'About?'

'Everything, he told me he didn't love me, he lied. He left me, he broke me, he made a life altering decision and he never even consulted me.' I can't talk anymore, the tears rolling down my cheek have turned into a torrent.

'Aw Izzy'

She sits there silently watching me, I think she is at a loss of what to do, that I I do until she opens her mouth.

'Your staying at mine tonight'

'What?' I look up. 'I can't I'm at work'

'Ring in sick, you need to be with someone, and you need to cry.'

I just nod, knowing that I trust her.


	13. Chapter 13

"Izzy"

I look up at Amanda, "sorry did I zone out again?"

Its three days since we met in the coffee shop and I have stayed at her place every night. She's worried about me …. I'm worried about me. I've felt like this before, after Edward left I was catatonic, and I can feel myself slipping back into that state, I think she can see it.

'Yep, look Bella you know that I love you, and try to remember that this comes from a very loving place, but snap out of it!'

I give her a confused stare

'Look he is an absolute bastard, a twat, a bottom dweller'

'a bottom dweller?' I repeat, 'What have you been watching?'

'Not the point, Iz.' She sounds exasperated. 'We have both spent the past few days deciding that men are really all a bunch of crap and we tend to go for the crappiest of the bunch!'

I nod in agreement

'Now is the time to go forth with this knowledge'

Again I look at her in confusion.

'We've got sad, we have gotten mad, and now it is time to get even!'

'Oh I don't know Mands, it's not really my style, I don't think I would feel comfortable, I think it would be best if I just buried my head in the sand and wait for death to come get me'

'So, that's not happening'

'Amanda….'

'Nope, Izzy, stop being an idiot'

'Thanks'

'Well you are, here you are with all the power..'

'How do I have all the power'

'HE came back, HE told you he loved you all along, HE wants you'

'HE left, HE only came back because of his family, HE…'

'You don't know that'

'Ah c'mon, it is obvious'

'And anyway why he is here is not important, he told you he still loves you and he regrets leaving, you my dear have all the power, so find your inner goddess and use it!'

I decide to ignore her clichéd way of getting the point across and ask 'How?'

'Well first off, I would have a shower, cos seriously, your starting to stink my apartment out!' She smiles at me. 'Then go back to work and start living your life, then the opportunities will just appear!'

I nod affirmatively and get up to go in the shower. I know that I haven't known her that long really but I trust her, I know she is right.

Two days later and I have just finished the day shift. It is 6pm and I am walking home. It will be a quick pit stop at home because I am meeting Rebecca and Amanda for food and drinks, all part of the getting my life back plan.

When I get home, I get a feeling somewhere deep inside, and I know that he is here. I walk in and I find him at my kitchen table, again.

'You know if you like that chair so much you can just take it with you' I tell him, trying to keep my tone light.

He just looks at me.

'Was there anything in particular you wanted, or did you just drop round to glare?' I ask, again in the same light tone, yay me.

'I was worried about you?'

'That's new'

'Your still not ready to talk about this sensibly'

'Would depend on your definition of the word sensibly'

Somehow I seem to be calmer, to be able to hold my own in conversation.

'Bella, I have tried to give you space, to stay away from you.'

'Its been five days Edward'

'Long days and long nights'

'You managed well enough for 6 years before that'

'Barely'

I just shake my head

'Bella, I need you to understand'

'I need you to leave,' I tell him, unwanted emotion climbing into my voice, as I look straight into his eyes.

'Bella…'

'Edward you hurt me, five days isn't enough space, I need you to leave me alone'

'I am going to make this right Bella, I am going to get you back'

'Somethings just can't be saved Edward, sometimes life twists them so much that they are beyond saving, and sometimes it isn't life that does the twisting.' I look at him imploring him to understand. 'Now if you don't mind showing yourself out, I need to get changed'

I walk into my bedroom and don't look back, but I know the moment he leaves, I feel it. But I realise that I don't just feel the empty hollowness that I usually feel, I also feel a tiny bit stronger.


	14. Chapter 14

'Oh my god, what a bitch'

I look over at Amanda and notice that she is staring at the other end of the mall, I follow her gaze and I see a group of girls walking along, laughing and talking.

'What, is this because the one in the middle is basically a blonde stick with fake boobs? Cos, you know, we decided that it was wrong to judge a person just because their thinner than us' I tell her with the air of talking to someone really young.

'okay 1, no one, and I repeat no one, is thinner than you, seriously time to start putting some protein in your diet,'

'Hey I have put on three pounds'

'big whoop, and 2, the reason why that particular blonde is a bitch, is because she is a man stealing whore who doesn't deserve to have friends,' she tells me with venom in her voice.

'Hey, you can't know that's what she is by just looking, Mand, that is judging someone and its wrong'

She just looks at me until the penny drops. 'That's her?' I look at her again, 'Yep, total bitch'

I look at her and she looks different, 'What now?'

'I need a drink'

'Alcohol coming right up' I smile

We walk to the nearest bar, she takes a seat and I go and order a bottle of wine, 2 glasses, what the hell I'm not at work this evening!

'Do you wanna talk about it?' I ask.

'It shouldn't still affect me'

'Your allowed to hurt'

'I tell you not to, to get over it, I give you three days before I am badgering you to get on with your life, it shouldn't still be hurting me'

'Well, to be fair, I had 6 years and 3 days' I smile, trying to cheer her up, 'and getting on with your life isn't the same as forgetting all the pain.'

'I just, I still don't really understand, I thought we were happy, I don't know why he cheated, why I wasn't enough'

'I can't tell you why he cheated, though I think the word bottom dweller might come into it' she gives a little smile at that. 'What I can tell you is that it has nothing to do with anything you did, he was the one in the wrong'

She leans forward, elbows resting on the table, rubs her eyes with a single finger on each and says ' I know, most of the time I know, it's just I see that bitch out and about and I just get sucked back to that time, you know?'

'Oh yeah, I know.'

We work our way steadily through the bottle of wine and then decide to get another one, spending the afternoon talking about why fake boobs are only good in the short run, among other things.

As we start our second bottle I ask her how the five guys she has on rotation are doing.

'Yea okay, fun' she answers but I can tell there is something else. I just keep looking at her until she folds

'Okay, one of them, Josh, he kind of wants to get a little more time, you know in the whole rotation thing'

'How much more time' though I think it is pretty obvious.

'All of it, he wants the other guys gone.'

'and?'

'And what Izzy? You know that's not me.'

'So what you gonna do?'

'Replace him,' she states with a smile, but I can see something in her eyes, deep down and I know she cares about him more than she wants to admit, but knowing her I decide to not push, well not right now.

'Anyways, what about you?'

'What about me?'

'Well it has been a week since you've seen him, how you doing?

'Two days' I say quietly, the alcohol making me loose lipped, I had decided not to tell her about the last meeting with Edward

'What?'

'Two days ago, just before I met you and Bex, I got home from work and he was there'

'And your only just telling me this now?' she is not happy.

'Well I didn't want to spoil our night out talking about him again, I mean we had fun didn't we?' A little uncertainty finding it's way into my question.

'Yea, but you could have rang yesterday, or told me today'

'I have' I smile

'I meant earlier'

'What's to tell? He came, we talked a little, he left, I didn't break.'

'Well that's good'

We drank some more and talked some more, and as we moved onto our third bottle, resigned to the fact we were going to stay here till closing, again the conversation turned to a certain Cullen, only this time it wasn't Edward, it was about his big dope of a brother Emmett.

'All I am saying is he promised he would always be here for me, and that he didn't care what the others would say, and now less then a month later I haven't heard from him for like a week, all because his twat of a brother is back in town'

'yep, men'

'huh'

'All the same, jerks the lot of them'

'Not Em, Em is a teddy bear' I tell her. 'A big, strong, scary teddy bear'

'hot?'

'he's Em, ew don't ask me that?'

I pour some more wine, and slosh some on the table, 'oops'

'blasphemy, lick it up' she laughs at me.

'He's like a brother, a big, cuddly, erm…. Actually less cuddly and more rock hard, like rock hard' I look at her, stressing my point with my eyes

'He's ripped?'

'Rock. Hard.'

We drink some more, while I keep going on about Emmett's absence again and again.

'Call him' she tells me.

'What now?'

'Of course now, life is short'

I point at her and click my fingers, 'Not always' before getting my phone and walking outside.

'Bells hi' I hear Emmett say

'Phones are cool'

'What, Bella are you okay'

'Don't you Bells hi me, where have you been…. You …liar?' there I said it.

'What'

'You promised, promised, you wouldn't disappear, and well… where are you huh? Where. Are. You?'

'Bella are you maybe a little drunk'

I suck in air between my teeth while I ponder this question 'Maybe…..may..a..be'

'Where are you?' I can tell he is smiling

'At a bar'

'Which bar?'

'The one near the Mall'

'Which Mall?'

'The sh..op..pi..ng Mall' I say it slowly because the idiot seems to be having trouble understanding.

He laughs down the phone and tells me to wait there he's going to come and get me.

'You promise?' I ask

'I promise'

'Doesn't mean anything, you break promises all the time, you smelly promise breaker'

'Just wait for my okay'

'k' I hang up and walk back to the bar, where I get another bottle.

I get back to the table and Manda asks me how it went.

'What went?'

She laughs, tops up her glass and we carry on talking.


	15. Chapter 15

Owww, everything hurts, my head feels like someone's on the inside trying to hammer their way out and my bones all ache.

'Morning sleepyhead' a voice booms from the side of my bed, erm not sure how I got here.

'Do you need to shout' I ask, or more to the point croak.

Emmett chuckles 'I didn't' he tells me but he has reduced the volume, still echoey though.

He hands me a glass of water and some painkillers, 'Here take these, then how about try for a little more sleep'

'Yep sure thing big guy' I take the tablets and lie back down. 'How about putting one of those big cold hands on my forehead, sweetthang?'

He chuckles again and does, and I fall back to sleep.

The next thing I know is the need to vomit, I wake up, shove Emmett's hand off me and run to the bathroom.

After throwing up the entire contents of my stomach, which was mainly bile, with all the drinking I seem to have forgotten to eat, dammit, well there goes them three pounds, gotta start eating Swan!

I get up wipe my mouth and flush the chain, turning around, intending to brush my teeth I see Emmett stood at the open bathroom door, leaning against the frame with his arms folded and a trademark smirk on his face.

'Never drinking again' I state.

'I've heard that one before'

'Just tell me I didn't cry' I plead

'No, well ..not much'

'Oh god' I pick up my toothbrush and apply some toothpaste

'What do you remember?'

'I vaguely remember phoning you and I remember wine, but that's about it' I start to brush my teeth.

'Well, after you very helpful description of where you were' he pointedly looked at me, with a grin, god this man was always happy. 'I managed to find you and your lovely friend , what was it, oh yeah 'Call me Mands, sexy' with a wink'

I spit out the toothpaste, which wasn't exactly making much of a foam, ah te joys of the post alcohol dry mouth. 'Just tell me she wasn't too handsy?'

'Well lets put it this way, if you would like this girl to keep breathing, better keep her away from Rosy'

'She wasn't there last night was she?' I ask with a little fear for my friend, I know How Rosalie gets.

'No, hence the reason she is still breathing'

'Oh right' I rinse my toothbrush and put it back in the holder, then I walk to my kitchen, where I pull out a large bottle of water and start drinking, foregoing the use of a glass.

'How are you feeling?' he asks me, his voice gentle.

'Peachy' I snark.

He just looks at me.

'Sorry, I just ache all over' I take another sip. 'This helps though' holding up my bottle.

He hands me another two painkillers, 'you can take some more of these, you've slept for like five hours after the first lot.

I take them, 'Thanks'

'So..' he says

'So…'

'I am a smelly promise breaker, am I?'

'Oh god, I said that didn't I?'

'mhm'

'I meant…'

'I know what you meant, but you told Edward you wanted space'

'Yea. From him' I tell him and then, 'Hang on, did Edward tell you everything?'

'erm…well' Emmett looks uncomfortable.

'Wait… did Edward tell everyone everything?'

'You know we don't keep secrets Bells, there is no point with us!'

'You see this is what I am saying, well this I what I am getting at anyway, he leaves, no discussion he decides what is right, no discussion, he decides when to come back into my life, no discussion…'

'Well he could hardly discuss that with you before he came back Bell…'

I silence him with a stare.

'Sorry' he looks contrite and shuts up.

'What I mean is this isn't how relationships are supposed to work, you are supposed to have these discussions with each other, not everyone but. I mean this was never, ever going to work between us'

'Who are you trying to persuade?'

I just look at him, and he can see the tears my eyes.

'It's okay to still love him'

I look at him, 'I'm 24'

'and he is over 100'

'he looks like he is 17'

'he's not'

'he acts like he is'

'most guys do your age'

'Emmett…'

'I know, he has done some unforgivable things, and you could pick any of them for a good enough reason that you shouldn't be together. But not that, never because of what it looks like to others, that is not a valid reason'

I just sit down and carry on drinking my water.

'Do you want me to go?' Emmett asks

'No, lets talk about why I rang you last night'

'I thought you could only vaguely remember the phone call'

'Its coming back to me'

'why then'

'you said you wouldn't leave me all alone again, actually Rose even said it about you too.'

'I told you, I thought you wanted space'

'If… when….. me and Edward go our separate ways, does that mean that you'll go to, I understand, I mean he is your family and I am.. I'm just an ex' I'm looking down at my bottle as I say this.

'You are more than just an ex Bella, you're my family too, no matter what'

I look up at him and give him a genuine half smile, 'You mean it'

'Yes'

'Then, the next time your gonna disappear for any length of time a heads up would be good, you know just let me know, and maybe bring me a present back' I smile.

'You don't like presents' he banters back, the tone becoming light again.

'hmm well, I didn't, but things change, reasons go away, and you did leave me all alone for like 6 years, you got a lot of making up to do Emmy Bear'

He just laughs.

'Not wanting to destroy this happy time..' he starts

'But..?'

'But….. the rest of the family want to see you'

'Um.. Em I don't know'

'Alice especially'

'Um….' not sure I want to do this.

'Look you know I don't want to push you, but you also know how annoying the midget can be, so I am sorry but please, please Belly Boo, Please, please, please, please'

'Em'

'Look even if it's just to say hi, don't want to see you ever again midge, bye, I think that would do it, well get her off my back'

'Em'

'Okay I'll own up, she knows just when to interrupt me, if you catch my drift' he waggles his eye brows. 'you know, block me,' again he waggles. 'You know, just when me and Rosy are…'

'Em, shut up, I know what you mean, and don't want that particular image up in my head thank you very much. Can I just say I'll think about it?'

'Please, please, please, please, please…..'

'Em' I shout over him, not a good idea, owwww my head. 'It's not fair to bully the poorly girl'

'Self inflicted Bell, deal with it'

I pull out my pet lip and say 'I just want to curl up and watch a film, maybe eat some comfort food when I feel up to digesting' in a whiny voice.

'Ok, but I get to choose the film'

'Whatever, I'll be on the sofa' I smile getting up, just glad that he is staying with me for the rest of the day.

I decide to think about Alice the next day, even now knowing I will probably meet up with her, I need her to answer some questions after all I did think that we were friends back then, best friends.


	16. Chapter 16

'Would you like a drink while you wait Miss?'

The rather smartly dressed waiter asks me, I nod and ask for a diet cola. 'certainly Miss' and he walks away. Well at least it is miss he calls me and not ma'am, I am so not old enough to be a ma'am, don't think I ever will be. He returns pretty quick with my drink, sets it down and moves onto his next table leaving me to fidget with my glass.

It's only been two days since Emmett told me that Alice wanted to see me and it didn't take that long to realise that I had to, I still have a lot of unanswered questions that I need, well, answering and just recently I have realised that I deserve the answering.

Once I had realised that I was going to meet her, I had to decide where. I knew it wasn't ever going to be their house, I wasn't ready to go to whatever secluded spot they lived in nowadays, no, I needed somewhere that gave me the option to runaway if needed. For that same reason it couldn't be my place. So I decided a restaurant would be ideal, and Alice picked this one. I think that was the main reason I turned up 40 minutes early, so that I could get to know the layout, work out the escape routes etc.

I was sat nursing my cola for a very long time until suddenly I heard the familiar hush that usually accompanies a Cullen when they first enter a place, I look up and sure enough see Alice Cullen walking towards me.

'Bella' her voice even more melodic than I remember it. 'I've missed you.'

'Not enough to pick up the phone though eh' I tell her smiling sweetly.

She sits down, the waiter comes straight over and asks whether she wants a drink, she says no, but that we are ready for the menu's, he leaves to get them.

'Bella, I know we have a lot to talk about, but try to understand that we had reasons to leave and none of them mean that I haven't missed you.'

I am cut off from making a snaky comeback by our waiter returning with the menu's. I order the steak with boiled new potatoes and green beans, Alice copies.

When the waiter leaves the table, we start talking again.

'So, Emmett says you've been bugging him, I am surprised you didn't just come see me anyway' I tell her with a little curiosity, honestly I am more than a bit surprised why she waited on ceremony, it isn't her usual style.

'I didn't want to upset you, Edward told us that you were a bit distressed'

'Did he now?'

'Yes, Bella I can see that you are still very angry'

'I thought I was doing quite a good job of keeping my temper in check'

'You are, for now' she smiles and I understand.

'You know if you have already seen this conversation, then what's the point in having it?'

'I hoping to change the outcome.'

'Somethings you just can't change Alice'

She just smiles and I look down at my drink.

'Bella, I'm sorry'

I look back up, 'what for?'

'For leaving'

'You know, it's not that I am mad that you left, I mean your whole family did so I get it.'

'Bel…'

'I am angry that you left without saying goodbye, I mean I thought,' I take a deep breath. 'I used to think that we were friends.'

'We were'

'Alice, that's not how friends treat each other'

'Edward said….'

'Me and Edward, we are a whole different thing to this, this has nothing to do with him, this has to do with me and you. You said back when we first met, that you and I were going to be best friends, but best friends don't treat each other like that, best friends …., god best friends they, I don't know, they at least pick up a phone.'

'I knew it was wrong, I knew it, but Edward…'

'Edward nothing, this is about you and me and our friendship that was never really there'

'Bella we were friends'

'If you call that, the way you treated me, if you call it friendship then you have got your definition out of the wrong bloody dictionary.'

'I know you won't listen to me, but please hear me. This decision was Edward's and we all had to follow it, he thought he was acting for the best and we had to try, for him.'

'I get what your saying, and you know what you are a very good sister, I mean, really, one of the top.' I pause slightly before saying this next part. 'But you are a shitty friend. You left me, abandoned me as if I was nothing, you didn't even say goodbye. My boyfriend broke my heart and my best friend didn't even care.' I say the last part laughingly, best friend yeah right.

The waiter comes over at this point with our food. I make a point of picking up my fork ad starting to eat, I am fed up of being the sickly girl that everyone feels sorry for. It's time to shed the past and start living properly, big speak I know, and really if I am honest it ain't going to be everything straight away, but dammit I am going to start eating properly and that's happening right now.

'I know that your hurt' Alice tells me.

'Hurt? Hurt? Hurt doesn't even begin to cover how I have been feeling for these past 6 years. Do you have any idea the state that I have been in, I felt rejected and … god… unworthy, you made me feel like I wasn't worth….' I trail off

'Worth what?'

'Anything' I reply in a quiet voice.

We are both silent, Alice is slowly shaking her head but before she can start to say anything I start to talk again.

'Look, I really don't see the point of this meet and greet. We are not friends and honestly when we look back objectively I don't think we really ever were. So I have a suggestion, lets go our separate ways, no hard feelings. If we see each other in the street we nod and maybe smile at each other, but beyond that,' I shake my head, 'There's nothing'

I open my purse, get some money out and leave it on the table as I stand up and leave the restaurant without looking back. Amazingly I think I have just stunned the future seeing vampire into silence.


	17. Chapter 17

'Okay, so you are telling me that she has been obsessing over this guy for how many years and she doesn't even know his name'

'No she knows it, it just that she won't say it, well at least not to us'

'Well what the point in that'

'It keeps people interested'

'Well it doesn't keep me interested'

'Well it keeps everyone else interested'

'You know I thought I led a sheltered life, but seriously if that's all it takes to keep your attention I think maybe you're the loner'

'What's up girlies?'

'Ah, Rebecca my love can you please explain to Izzy why the whole Carrie calling Big not by his real name kept people interested, because seriously I am about two more sentences from declaring our friendship null and void.'

'You see that, the whole negating a friendship over a crappy tv show thing, that's sad and loner-y' I say before Becca has a chance to speak.

'It's not crappy' Amanda tells me

'Yeah ..no…it sounds kind of crappy to me'

'I give up' Amanda says loudly, dramatically throwing her hands in the air and walking into the mini-market ahead of us.

Rebecca just looks at me and we both laugh. 'I know you are getting into it, I saw your rapt attention last week' she tells me.

'Never tell Amanda, this just doesn't stop being funny'

We giggle and she shakes her head as we also walk into the store.

We are walking towards the junk food aisle when we notice Amanda has stopped and is staring open mouthed at something.

'Erm, Mand, what are you doing?' Becca ask her.

'Have you ever seen anything so exquisite?' she asks and I follow her gaze. My heart drops in my stomach as I realise she is staring at Edward, he is trying to choose between two different packs of chips, or at least that is what he appears to be doing.

'Personally I don't like either of them' I tell her, trying to keep my voice light.

'I am not talking about the damn chips Izzy'

'No your talking about my ex' That gets her attention.

'That's your ex, …..nice… though he looks a little young'

'Trust me he is older than he looks.' I shake my head, 'Can we go?'

'No, we came here to get supplies, this is your town, you don't avoid him, he is supposed to avoid you' she says, as if she is explaining something really simple to a three year old.

'You know, I am fine doing the avoiding'

'Seriously, head held high girl!'

'Fine' I take a breath and consider my options, I know that I can't let Amanda talk to him, because lets face it she will probably get all aggressive … or judging by the amount of drool probably try to sleep with him. Which is just not happening.

'Look, why don't I pick the junk food, you two go get the drinks' I tell them.

Amanda looks like she is going to argue, 'I need to fight my own battles Mand, just go and pick the wine, please?'

'Ok,' she says but doesn't try to move. I look at Rebecca, who sighs and starts to pull her away.

I walk up towards Edward, who looks at me with his perfect crooked smile.

'What are you doing here?' I cut to the chase.

'It's movie night, gotta get the chips' he tells me. 'Though I can't quite decide between these. Which do you prefer?'

'Unless your eating habits have changed dramatically, I can't see either of them being of use to you. What are you doing here?'

'Alice' He doesn't look at me as he says her name.

'Alice told you I was going to be here? Not a coincidence then'

'You knew it wasn't'

'Edward, I need you…'

'to give you space, I know. I am trying. Alice is too. She isn't intentionally watching everything you do, it's just, your on her mind, on all of our minds a lot.'

'I didn't use to be' I say quietly

'You were always on mine' he looks straight into my eyes as he tells me this.

I just shake my head and he looks away.

'Edward' I take a breath and softly ask, 'What are you doing here?'

'When I saw Alice's vision, when I saw that you would be here, in this aisle I just….'

He trails of but I have nothing to say so I wait for him to finish his thought

'When we were together, you found out everything you could about me, what music I like, hobbies, past lives, hell you even know what my preferred meal is. But I thought back, over everything, and' he looks me in the eye. 'I don't even know what your favourite chips are, I mean you were everything to me and I never even knew whether you liked lays or cheetos'

'You never asked' I say quietly, a little shocked by the way the conversation has gone, this is not the Edward that I am used to.

'I know' he is looking back at the shelf now.

I don't know what else to say or do, I just know that I need to leave. So I pick up a pack of potato sticks and hold them out to him. 'For the record, I am not really a fan of those two' indicating the ones in his hand, 'I prefer these.' He takes them off me

I walk past him and move to the alcohol aisle where I find my two friends each with a lot of wine in their baskets

'Couldn't decide huh?'

'You needn't talk, where's the food Iz Biz?' Amanda says.

'Iz Biz?'

'Trying it out' she shrugs.

'Don't'

'So food, we need something to soak all this up' Becca says.

'Yea about that, take out?' I ask

'mmm, yea and then cake' Becca agrees, and Amanda nods her head.

We go and pay for our stuff and leave, I turn around and see Edward still stood there, watching me leave with the same bag of chips in his hand.


	18. Chapter 18

Ok so this is getting ridiculous, in the three weeks since I bumped into Edward at the mini market, I have seen him no less than seventeen times, and I'm not talking huge, emotionally taxing, angst-a-thon meetings, no, just random couple of minute chats about nothing important. Though honestly, thinking back over them, no matter how unimportant they seemed, it always appeared as if he was trying to find something out about me, nothing major, just stuff like - whether I prefer lime soda or cherry, brown pasta or white, deep pan or thin base - like every time we meet he has the need to find out one thing about me, he makes it seem like the times he bumps into me are accidental, but c'mon what possible reason could he have to go into any pizza shop, let alone the one around the corner from Amanda's.

If I am being completely honest with myself - something which I hate to be- a little part of me, a tiny, tiny, little part kinda likes the fact that he keeps showing up. I know, completely stupid and idiotic, but it is only a tiny little part. And to off set that stupid failing, I have been getting more and more involved in life outside Bella's brain, yea, because I, the loner of not so long back, am going to be a bridesmaid, yes, me, who has been known to throw up in face of other peoples love and affection, Isabella Swan is going to be a bridesmaid. It's alright because the wedding is not going to be for a long time, like next year. Rebecca and Matt got engaged last week and she has asked both me and Amanda to be her bridesmaids, I mean there are going to be a couple of others but as Amanda says we are of course the ones who count.

The wedding planning has already started, that is Amanda has been making inquiries as to possible venues - for the bachelorette party, my job, Matt has informed me, is to make sure that nothing illegal or immoral happens, in short to control Amanda's natural tendancies, I say in short, but really it is a tall order.

I see Emmett quite often and a fair amount of Rosalie but they are still the only Cullens I have regular contact with, that is if you don't count all my little run ins with Edward, which I really try not to.

I know that Esme and Carlisle want to see me, but whereas I can justify Em's role in my life, I can't justify my ex's parents, in my mind it's just not right, they are his, if you know what I mean.

*ping*

I am jarred out of my thoughts by my microwave telling me my dinner's ready. That's another thing that I have managed to get under control in the last few months, my eating. While a lot of people might say that living on ready meals is bad for you, and to be fair, a home cooked meal is better, I still consider my self to be winning, because not so long ago I barely ate anything and now I am eating three meals a day - progress. Also I have filled out a bit, so even though I can still be considered a little on the skinny side, I do look healthier.

I get my meal out of the microwave, plate it up and get a fork I then turn back around so I can head back to the table, there sat on one of the chairs is Rosalie, but I don't jump, I am used to this now.

'Rose, I thought we'd agreed, you are supposed to knock first.'

'Nope'

I just smile, sitting down, I start on my dinner. In between mouthfuls I start to talk.

'What are you doing here?'

'Bored'

'Where's Em?'

'Hunting'

'You didn't fancy it?'

'Boys only'

'Ah'

'I need some new clothes'

'Rosalie, I seriously doubt that you have never, ever, gotten to the point where you _need_ new clothes'

She smiles, 'Need, want, it's all the same really.'

'No….it's not' I shake my head.

'Whatever, lets go shopping'

I look at her like she's mad, 'You want me to go shopping with you?'

'Yea' she returns the look.

'Rose that's not something we do'

'Well now we do'

'Why don't you go with Alice?'

'Not an option'

'Why not?'

'Just not'

'But….'

'But nothing, we are going so eat that ' she sniffs the air distastefully 'mulch quickly and then we can go.'

Knowing that I am beat, I eat up, quickly get changed into something halfway decent - since I am going shopping with someone who always seems to look like they have stepped off the page of a sports illustrated- grab my bag and we go.

Shopping with Rosalie, well it's strange, we have never really had a lot in common, we get on ok, we both make the effort but it's for Emmett's benefit. He is important to both of us, so that's why we are civil to each other. Today was different, it started off really strained, me just stood, while Rose walked around picking up huge amounts of clothing, not even trying them on just buying them outright, then out of nowhere she started talking, telling me things about her past, about what happened to her before she became a vampire, how Carlisle had found her broken and battered body, dumped after the man, who supposedly loved her, and his friends had had their fill, about why she was so jealous of me at first, about how she has only ever been valued for her looks, for her beauty, about how, sometimes she wishes Carlisle had never found her in that alley, that she had been left to die. She didn't tell me this all at once, we were out shopping for a very long time, and she told me it in fragments, but by the time we got back to mine I knew the whole story.

When we were again back in my kitchen, she looked at me and asked, 'Why didn't you ask me questions?'

Knowing that she meant, why didn't I get fed up of waiting for the story and push her to tell me faster, I gave her my truthful answer.

'Because it was your story to tell, not mine to demand'

Then Rosalie did something that I never thought she ever would, she gave me a hug, it was the briefest hug anyone has ever given anyone and by the time I had blinked she had disappeared.


	19. Chapter 19

I open my front door and find a very harassed Amanda stood in the hall

'What's the matter?' I ask as she pushes past me.

I follow her into my living room where she is pacing and muttering to herself.

'Amanda, what's wrong?' I try again, she is starting to worry me.

She stops pacing and looks at me. 'Something terrible has happened.'

'What?'

'Did I mention the guy I was screwing?'

'Sweetie, you have like five on rotation, maybe you want to try narrowing it down a little?' I ask aiming for an easy friendly tone, though I think it may have been edging slightly to the condescending end of the scale.

'Josh'

'Josh, Josh,' I mutter to myself whilst thinking back to see if I can remember her mentioning him. Suddenly it clicks.

'Oh, that guy who wanted to get serious, I thought you were gonna replace him.'

'Well I didn't, I mean I stopped calling him, but I didn't replace him.'

She looks at me and starts babbling about how there was no suitable candidates.

'Rubbish'

She looks at me. 'No it's not'

'Aha, your forgetting I know you, if you wanted to replace him, they are plenty of guys out there for you to choose from, and really, your not that choosey,'

'I'm offended'

'No your not'

'No I'm not' She sits down heavily. 'What am I going to do?'

'Call him' I tell her.

'I already did, we met up for coffee, he told me that he still wanted to be with me, but he wouldn't stand for all the other guys, he wants to date me.'

'Honey'

'I know, I just don't know what to do.'

'I think you have to accept the fact that you even considering this is the biggest pointer.'

'What?'

'You need to try this'

'But what if he hurts me?' she looks at me with panic in her eyes.

'I am not going to lie to you, there is a big possibility that it won't work out, for one of a billion reasons, but you are trying to tell yourself you are ready for this.'

I can see she is getting ready to argue with me, so I walk up to her and force her to look me in the eyes.

'You are an amazing person and you deserve to be someone's everything, not just an occasional fuck of a lot of people's. So try, and if it all goes to hell, you have two amazing best friends who will be there with wine and chocolate and crappy tv,' she gives me a watery smile.

'Talking about wine?' she asks.

'In the fridge.'

She gets up at walks to my kitchen, while she is getting the wine I grab two glasses. When she turns back around she spots an application form on the table.

'Hey what's this, your applying to college's?'

'College actually, just Seattle.' I tell her.

'When did you decide this?'

'I've been thinking about it for a while now, since I met up with Alice' I tell her.

We sit down and start drinking the wine.

'You know, one of these days Izzy, you are going to have to make a decision that is not based on something those Cullen's have done'

I just look at her.

'Okay, I know I know, but your right, what you said to me, I have to try. So I will, I mean lets face it breaking it off with those other guys won't be too painful, I'm barely able to keep their names straight,' she smiles. 'But… you have to promise me that you have to stop living and dying on whatever those Cullen's say.'

'I will, I mean I am.'

Now it is her turn to just look at me.

'No, honestly. When I met up with Alice I realised that I didn't want to put my life on hold anymore, I don't just want to exist, I want to be happy, I want to try to be happy, and college, that's the next step for me.'

She looks at the application, 'And psychology, that's it for you huh?'

'It never used to be, I always thought I would be an English major, then again I always thought I would be a full time student and that I wouldn't have waited until I was 24 before I attended, life changes' I tell her.

'Okay, but just promise me one thing?'

'What?'

'When you're ready for the step that involves boys, tell me first, I wanna be a part of it'

'Don't get you're hopes up, I can't see that happening anytime soon, or you know at all'

'Iz…'

'Amanda, I still love him' I say, and I am crying, silent tears rolling down my cheeks.

'I know'


	20. Chapter 20

'That's great Bells' Emmett tells me enthusiastically

'I haven't got in yet Em'

'Yea, but you will'

'Hopefully'

'Definitely!'

His enthusiasm is contagious and I find myself smiling widely along with him.

'We need to celebrate'

'Oh come on, Emmett I am not in yet'

'But…'

'But nothing, I don't want to jinx it, no celebrating till I get in!'

'This is huge Bella'

'Lots of people apply to college'

'Yea but this is you, seriously did you think you ever would?'

'Not after . … well you know'

He just nods.

'I just think it's time, I can't spend the rest of my life pining for something that is never going to happen'

I can tell he wants to say something, he's fidgeting,

'What is it Emmett?'

'Nothing'

'Emmett, come on, tell me'

'I don't think that you really want to know.'

I just keep looking at him evenly.

'It's Edward, he's not doing too good.'

'What do you mean?' I feel a stab in my gut as he says that name, but I need to know.

'I know what he did was wrong, unforgivable, not at all cool..' I chuckle at that a little.

'But….' I prompt him.

'He has always been so sure, so certain of things'

'Yea I know,'

'But he isn't anymore' Emmett looks straight into my eyes, 'you've sent him into a tailspin.'

'What do you mean?'

'You have gotten him questioning himself, which is a good thing, about time, some of the decisions he's made about you weren't right.'

'Some?' I ask, trying to think of which decisions could be thought of as right.

'He chose to be with you in the first place Bells, that was definitely right'

'I have six years of gut wrenching pain that would disagree with you'

'Nope'

I look down, he's right, no matter what has happened since, that time at the beginning when we were happy, I would never regret it.

'Em, why are you telling me this, what do you want me to do?'

'I don't want you to do anything, I would never expect you to, but Bell, he's failing, and I know you, I know you better than you think, I know you would want to know if…..'

I look down at the table, my eyes resting on the graining patterns but not really registering them. He's right if things were really bad with Edward I want to know, and they must be really bad or Emmett wouldn't have even brought it up, but I am not ready to even think what this all means so I just look up at him and smile as I say 'If we were celebrating my decision to apply for college, then I guess that wouldn't jinx the actual application, because that has nothing to do with whether I get in or not'

'That is an excellent point!' He is smiling his big wide Emmett only grin, and I feel so safe because I know he is giving me exactly what I need, time to digest what he's told me.

'Do you have any ideas of what we should do?'

His answering smile worries me, because I know him just too well…..


	21. Chapter 21

'You'll catch your death'

'You are so melodramatic' I say looking at the vampire who has appeared out of nowhere to sit next to me.

I am on the rooftop of my apartment building, not somewhere I come often, but I knew sitting on the wall with my feet dangling over the Seattle sky line would force his hand and bring him to me.

'It's cold'

'It's fresh'

'That still means the same'

I look away from him and out across the city again, ' It doesn't, you say cold as it is a bad thing, fresh isn't'

'Why are you out here Bell?'

'to think'

'What about?'

'I love you' I say I feel the tears starting to well. You are stunned I think, you have no reply, so I carry on.

'I am getting on with my life, in ways that I never thought I could. When you told me the truth, it gave me something to focus on, something other than self pity, I am finally moving on.' My words come out evenly, though I feel extreme pain the whole way through.

'Isabella..'

'I got into college.' I tell him. 'Psychology.'

'That's….'

'I am finding who I am, I am finding my place in this world,' I look at him again. 'You need to as well'

He still doesn't say anything.

'Since the moment we first met, we have defined ourselves by each other, even when we were apart. Edward that's not healthy, not even for an immortal vampire.'

'Bell..'

'I think that one day I will forgive you, that one day I will understand, but not now, not yet.'

'Bella, please…'

'You have nothing to beg for, I know why you did what you did, and that's not what this is about now'

'What is this about?'

'I love you' there is a catch in my voice as I say this.

'Bella…'

'No listen, I love you, since that first day in the cafeteria my whole being revolved around you, you left and I stopped, I didn't live, I just' I search for the right word, 'existed. That's too much, no relationship can survive like that, I need time ….. We need time.'

'I am giving you time, Bell.

'No, this isn't time, this isn't space, this is limbo.'

I take a breath before I continue.

'Edward you need to leave'

'What?'

'You need to go away, far away from here, you need to give me proper space and time, give me a chance to find out who I am, you need to find out who you are.'

'I did that Bella, I left, it did no good, not for either of us'

The tears are silently pouring from my eyes now.

'This time is going to be different Edward'

'How?'

'Because your going to tell me you love me….. And your going to kiss me,…, and your going to come back.'

'Then why do I have to leave?'

'Because we are not going to work, not right now, not the people we are. But we have a chance, a small chance, if we give each other the space to change, and if we both make an effort to learn about who we are'

You shake your head

'Edward this has to happen.'

There is silence for a long time, we both just sit, looking at all the lights of the city. After what feels like hours you look at me. When I make eye contact you look deep into my eyes.

'I love you Isabella, I will miss you more than I can ever say, but you are right we need time, we both need time.'

You lean in and we kiss and my memories have not done it justice, the kiss is so intense, I lean into you, but I feel like I can't get close enough, I climb onto you lap and you hold me tight, keeping me safe. All to soon the kiss is over and you sit me back down on the wall.

'I'm coming back' it's the last thing you say before you disappear.

I manage to make it back to my apartment before the serious tears start to fall, I walk to my bedroom, get changed into my pyjama's and climb into bed, the tears falling strongly now, I feel the bed dip and a strong pair of arms wrap around me, but when I open my eyes I am shocked to see Rosalie and not Emmet like I expected.

I cry myself to sleep in her arms.


	22. Chapter 22

'Yea, I promise' I speak down the phone.

'Really because it has been weeks, we need a proper catch up'

'Mands, I promise, I just have to hand this assignment in then I am all yours.'

'Great, so meet you at Yaxley's at 2.'

'Yep, see you there' I smile as we say our goodbyes.

I can't believe I have completed my first year of college, it has gone so fast, it was definitely the right choice for me, but the cost has been that I haven't really had that much free time, especially over the last few weeks so I haven't been able to spend much time with my besties. That's why today, after I hand in my final paper for the semester I am meeting Amanda and Becca to get pleasantly hammered, ah the student life it is a hard one. Actually yea, but hey I get copious amount of alcohol so yeay!

When I walk into Yaxley's I see them both already sat down half way through a bottle of wine so I go straight to the bar and get us another one in.

'Hey' I am all smiles when I get to the table, even though we don't all manage to see each other as much as we used to, they mean the world to me, I wouldn't have made it through the past year and a half without them.

'Hey Iz, sit your pretty ass down' Amanda says.

'So what have I missed?' I ask pouring myself a large glass of the pink stuff.

'Wedding talk' Rebecca tells me.

'Ah yes, not long now, you excited?'

'Aha, or at least I was'

'What's happened?'

'Inlaws' Amanda cuts in, while Bex takes a gulp of her wine.

'Yep. Matt's mother sticking her oar in,' she puts on a fake higher pitched voice, '"Oh Rebecca are you sure white roses are the way to go for the table centre pieces? ", "your serving prawn cocktail for starters, how quaint"," You want the goo goo dolls as your first dance, isn't it a little lively"'

'Oh' I say

'Oh is right, I mean it is my wedding and I will have it however I damn well want.' She drains her glass and pours herself a new one.

'What's Matt saying'

'He is staying out of it, she is pretty much picking apart our entire wedding, that we chose together,' she looks at our faces, 'Hey, he had input.'

'Yea but you had the sex, if he wanted to get laid he couldn't disagree,' Amanda reminds her.

'I know, I know, and I still do, but that is not stopping him from just ignoring all this, I mean honestly is this what married life is going to be like, is he always going to side with his mother,' she takes another gulp, 'I mean what happens when we have kids, is his mother going to swoop in and dictate how we raise Tallulah or Diedrick?'

'Okay first off I am going to dictate that no way in hell are you going to call your kids that, for a start I can't even spell them' Amanda tells her.

I just shake my head at her, 'Not the point, Mands.'

'Is marriage really the right thing for us'

'Becca, you love each other' I tell her.

'Yea, I love him, I want to marry him, but if he is going to defer to his mother all the time then it's like I am not marrying him, I'm marrying her, and that is just gross.'

'Becca, is he agreeing with her?'

'Well, he's not telling her….'

'not the point Bex, is he telling you that you need to change things?'

'No'

'Has he ever said you are being unreasonable?'

'Well no,'

'Has he ever pointed at what his Mom is wearing and said you would look good in that?'

'Amanda!' we both exclaim.

'Hey, it happens, and trust me if it ever happens to either of you just run, I mean as fast as you can, just get out of there,' she takes a sip while we just stare at her. Then she turns her full attention to Rebecca, 'Well has it?'

'No'

'Good I think you kids will be just A-OK'

'Yea Bex, your stressed and I know his Mom is not helping, but I think by not wading in he is just keeping the peace, just let all the sly comments go over your head, it is your day and in the end it will be exactly as you and Matt want it.'

'Thanks Izzy,'

'Now girls, lets talk hen night' Amanda smiles.

About 4 bottles of wine later we are all very merry, and talk turns to the most recent, consistent topic.

'Really Izzy, it's time, you need to move on' Amanda tells me

'I have moved on, I have friends, college, I have been to visit my mom, believe me even just two years ago this would not have happened'

'She's not kidding, I knew her two years ago, it was work and nothing' Becca backs me up and I over enthusiastically nod along with her, slightly sloshing my drink which is in my hand.

'Yea, yea, yea, I know all this, but you see, you need to take the next step, you need to date, put yourself out there,' she winks. 'Put yourself around out there'

'I know, you think I need to get laid'

'You do'

'I . Don't . Want . To . ' I say slowly, no matter how often we have this conversation she doesn't seem to get it.

'You need to stop pining over him'

'I'm not'

'Then date'

'Amanda, I don't want to, I don't need to.'

Becca cuts in with a topic change about bridesmaid fittings and I know that me we need to revisit the topic of my dating because I know that there is something else there, but even in my drunken state I know it is a topic for another day.

We stay at Yaxley's till it closes, by which time we are all so drunk that I barely remember how I made it home, but I do remember walking into my place and finding Emmett at my kitchen table.

'Hey Emmy bear'

'Hey Belly Boo, drunk again?'

'That's no fair, you've been gone for like a month and I haven't been drunk once, it's not my fault you come back tonight.' I slur the entire sentence, but I think he understands.

'Bed time?'

'Yes please'

He laughs as he picks me up.

When I am all tucked in I pluck up the courage and ask 'Have you seen him?'

'You sure you want to know Bell?'

I nod and then stop quickly, the room is spinning and that don't help.

'Yep'

'Is he alright?'

'He is trying to be, he is living with the family and stuff'

I don't say anything I just turn over and close my eyes. Emmett walks over to the door and turns the light off.

'Is he dating?'

'No'

I don't say anything, but I fall asleep with a smile on my face.


End file.
